Номер объектаM2005/040
ОписаниеDiary written by Klara Tihanyi (mother of the donor Judy Backhouse), in Hungarian, spanning the years 1929-1955. The handwriting and utensil vary from entry to entry. Consists of 118 pages. The author survived the Holocaust and eventually settled in Sydney.
The diary, translated by Susan Kadar in 2020, gives insight into middle-class secular life in Hungary, beginning in 1929 with the thoughts, sometimes shallow and not particularly profound or literary, of a teenager. When her father loses his job, Klara starts working as a piano tutor and is asked to help support the family. As the diary progresses, and during the war years, the entries are fewer, yet more poignant. Her husband had been conscripted into Hungarian forced labour. The writer provides a glimpse into a world that no longer exists, describes the German invasion of Hungary and the confiscation of property:
"Suddenly, on 19 March the Germans marched into the country ...no words, no explanation is needed to convey what this means for the Jews ...Since 5 April we are wearing a large 10 cm yellow star, they confiscated our radio, my lovely little gold watch my husband gave me for our 3rd wedding anniversary had to be surrendered, we are living amid the greatest commotion, there are ghettos everywhere all over the countryside, we are expecting it any time in (Buda)Pest as well... The very thought of it fills me with dread!!! It's an awful risk even to venture outside, Jews are being arrested in the streets and are incarcerated on trumped up charges... Poor Ilonka was seized by two German soldiers, she just wrote us from jail, we don't know what she is accused of and the unfortunate pariah has spent already two months there...!"
The diary, translated by Susan Kadar in 2020, gives insight into middle-class secular life in Hungary, beginning in 1929 with the thoughts, sometimes shallow and not particularly profound or literary, of a teenager. When her father loses his job, Klara starts working as a piano tutor and is asked to help support the family. As the diary progresses, and during the war years, the entries are fewer, yet more poignant. Her husband had been conscripted into Hungarian forced labour. The writer provides a glimpse into a world that no longer exists, describes the German invasion of Hungary and the confiscation of property:
"Suddenly, on 19 March the Germans marched into the country ...no words, no explanation is needed to convey what this means for the Jews ...Since 5 April we are wearing a large 10 cm yellow star, they confiscated our radio, my lovely little gold watch my husband gave me for our 3rd wedding anniversary had to be surrendered, we are living amid the greatest commotion, there are ghettos everywhere all over the countryside, we are expecting it any time in (Buda)Pest as well... The very thought of it fills me with dread!!! It's an awful risk even to venture outside, Jews are being arrested in the streets and are incarcerated on trumped up charges... Poor Ilonka was seized by two German soldiers, she just wrote us from jail, we don't know what she is accused of and the unfortunate pariah has spent already two months there...!"
Место изготовленияHungary
Дата 1929 - 1955
Наименованиеjournals
Размерность
- width: 180.00 mm
height: 220.00 mm
depth: 10.00 mm
Язык
- Hungarian M2005/040
Yellow means the word or phrase it illegible or possibly incorrectly identified
[text in square brackets are translator’s notes]
The Journal of Klára Tihanyi
June 2, 1929
My birthday was on the 1st of June. Then (as always) my Dear Parents did everything for me, celebrated me. I got a lot of presents. These were the following: dolls’ toys, vase, flowers, tablecloth, chocolates, a diary, etc. etc. The whole day was very pleasant, and it ended with a performance of “Student Love” at the Király Theatre. I am very happy. This beautiful diary came from Lucy and her family. Today is Sunday. Tomorrow, God willing, I’ll go to school.
June 3, 1929
I was at school today and with God’s help the first test will be on the 8th. I would be so glad to have the really big test behind me. By the way, yesterday (Sunday) in the afternoon I saw “The Students of Igló” with [Hungarian film from 1934] ????. It was quite good. I have to study a lot.
June 4
Today I quarrelled with Lautenburg and we broke up. Incidentally, Évi Lautenburg is the most naughty and insolent in the class. She is the favourite of form master Auntie Margit [It was customary to address teachers, especially women, with the familiar “néni” – auntie. It does not denote a family relationship.]
Évi was a bad influence on Spegel and Kieselbacker. But in this her best friends, Békefi and Kardos also played a part. Under “bad influence” I mean they told them things they thought up or had heard and by now that’s all they talk about. Things such as giving birth, bleeding etc. as they imagine it. It’s dumb but I will tell Mother everything. The kids laugh at me for this, but I don’t care. Anni Luy and Kató Neuwald also behaved badly in this regard. But at least Lucy told her mother everything. But Kató did not.
June 5
My piano exam will either be on the 23rd or the 30th. The piano teacher (Aliz Pintér) is very sweet. I’m off to lunch.
June 24, 1929
The last test was on the 22nd. From now it is vacation!! On Thursday we’ll get our test results. Ouch!! Not that I’m afraid because I won’t be chastised even if it is all fours [Students’ results were scored. One was outstanding and four meant failure.] But the other stuff. Father has not come home three times already and I am devastated. He keeps saying that he would commit suicide. I’m so afraid. Poor Mother! But if God forbid there is something wrong with Father …[Spilled ink makes a few words illegible here.] Father is a very good person, it’s just that he has a lot of worries, that’s why he stays out. I think we won’t go on a holiday this year. It doesn’t matter. The main thing is good health! Yesterday we saw “The Nameless ???”, God willing today we will see “The Woman Escapes”.
June 25
“The Woman Escapes” is a great play, better than “Student Love”. I enjoyed it very much. I only saw evening performances of “The Bells of ??” “Summer of Long Ago”, Love”, “Stories of the Typewriter”, “The Kozaks of the Don” and “The Woman Escapes” but I saw afternoon performances of about 80 shows. [These are references to contemporary movies.]
The key performers of “The Woman Escapes” were Hanna Honthy, Irén Zilahy, Márton Rátkai and Ferenc ???. Also had parts – list of names
June 26
Yesterday Manci Kocsis was here, and we phoned and asked them to come over and they did (the Tӧrses).
July 3
God willing on the 7th (Sunday) we will travel to Lourana???. But not the same hotel where we stayed last year but the “Hotel Lourana”. I’m a bit sorry that we won’t go to last year’s hotel because that is more comfortable. We could eat all our meals wearing our swimming costumes. Where we are now going is very elegant. Still, I’m very happy that with God’s help we are going on a holiday. On Monday (the 1st) I was at the Feld theatre and I saw “I Can’t Live Without A Jew” [a popular song from a musical] with ????? playing the characters.
July 8
Thank God we arrived in Lourana on July 7. The trip was very pleasant. We saw natural wonders, for instance a waterfall etc. etc. At the station a car was waiting for us, sent from the hotel. Today the weather is not good, it rains, we can’t bathe. If the rain stops, we will go to the Gelateria (Ice Cream Shop). Our room is nice and clean. No bed bugs.
July 16
Thank God by now the weather is pleasant. We can bathe every day. Sometimes I’m on good terms with Kató Neuwald, sometimes not. The food is awful, I hardly eat anything. All sorts of French hodgepodge. On the 14th we were in Abbázia [Hungarian name for Opatija, Croatia]. We watched people dancing all afternoon at the Hotel Palace. I don’t know where we’re going today. Father was very sweet, he sent 10 pengὃs, 33 lire. I spent it on a necklace, sunshade and a hat in the latest fashion. With the 13 lire left I bought presents for S. Grandmother, S. Grandfather, T Grandmother, T. Grandfather, Manci Kocsis and Annus.
July 21
It’s very hot! Thank God we are well. We bathe every day. The water is great. I quarrelled with Kató Neuwald three times already. I often play with ???. There are no acquaintances.
July 19 [this entry is out of sequence]
Yesterday we couldn’t go anywhere because I had an upset stomach. I even had a temperature – 37.7˚. thank God today it is only 37˚. Tomorrow, God willing, bathing. On Monday we were at a Mondscheinparty [ German – moon light party.]. It was very unpleasant because there were a lot of people. Now we are going to the Gelateria.
August 7
The weather was not good on ???, we couldn’t bathe. Maybe Father will come for us. Time flies, on the 18th, God willing, we will go home. The sea is wonderful. We were in Fiume [Rijeka, Croatia] three times and three times in Abbázia too.
August 18
Thank God we arrived home safely. At the station we were met by Father, Dodi, Gisa?, S. Grandfather and flowers. We entered the apartment: everything is clean and sparkling. The bedroom has been painted. On the trip we had a sleeping compartment. We reemployed our old maid, Anna. It’s possible that we will go to Balaton Kenese [resort at Lake Balaton] for a week.
September 4, 1929
School started today. I go to the secondary school on Aréna street. [She attended a so called “polgári” – a secondary school that provided more practical and less Classical education than gymnasiums. Students entered both schools after four years of elementary education but the polgári only had four grades as opposed to eight grades of gymnasiums. ]
I got a pencil case, a pen etc. I broke my nail. Now I can’t play the piano.
September 10, 1929
Last time I did not have the time to write about these things. Since we arrived I’ve spent every day from 10 in the morning until 7 at night at the swimming pool [most pools had grass, deck chairs and were popular meeting places for young people in the summer] right until school started. This school is pretty neat. I got a lot of new things, for instance 24 different colours of paint, 12 colour pencils, pencil case, pen, pencils, pencil sharpener etc. Thank God I’m well.
September 17, 1929
Life is back to normal. Piano, school, German lessons. Thank God I’m well. I and Mother have head colds.
October 2, 1929
Thanks God, Father doesn’t stay out these days. There’s quite a lot of homework already. I hate Mrs Vilmos Barta (form master), and she hates me too. Otherwise, Thank God, we are well, only Mother’s head cold is bad. ??? Kocsis is here every day. I like her. She is such a nice, smart girl. Last Sunday the two of us baked biscuits. It was fun. Mother and Father, Thank God, are well – let me not jinx it – they don’t quarrel. I got a black, long-sleeved apron. With God’s help I’ll get a lot of things. I’ve got to and study.
October 22, 1929
I have a bad cold. Since then Father has stayed out again but he has recently made a vow and we are hopeful. God willing, he will keep it. I quarrel a lot with Mother about practising. I need to study a lot. On the 20th (Sunday) we were invited to Dr Braun’s (our doctor) for afternoon tea for the 10th birthdays of Kató and Erika. We got Kató a journal, and a box of sets [no explanation what sorts of sets were presented} for Erika. Actually, I was quite bored at the afternoon tea. At school I already have a good friend, Klári Weisz. Thank God, I am well.
[The list of teachers below does not relate to the class she attends in 1929. It seems that she inserted this list where she found a bit of empty space. Some of the names are illegible.]
November 1930 – when I was in 3rd grade.
Headmaster: László Madarász
Teachers
Hungarian: Mrs Rezsὃ Vӧrӧs??
German:
Arithmetic:
Geography:
Scripture:
Chemistry:
Physical Education:
Music:
Sewing:
Form Master:
December 12, 1929
Studying is going quite well. In this school one cannot, and I will not talk about such things. Thank God, let me not jinx it, Father these days does not stay out. I have grown out my fur coat and now I have a coat with heavy lining and a fur collar. We got rid of my warts.
December 20, 1929
I had to spend a day in bed because of a cold. Thank God, I’m out of bed now. Every day I play with Manci Kocsis. I have never got an admonitory note [ Intὃ - admonitory note. Part of the disciplinary regime of schools was the issuing of admonitory notes that parents needed to sign. They were usually issued for transgressions considered serious, such as missing a class, cheating at a test, or bad behaviour. These notes were much feared by students. ]. Father, Mother are angels. The weather is wet, rainy. I got a white silk blouse. I’m about to get half boots too. Otherwise, thank God, everything is all right.
December 18, 1929
Thank God we are all doing well. I’ll go now and practice.
December 20, 1929
Nowadays I don’t have a lot of time to write in the journal, I am very busy. The Christmas vacation starts tomorrow. I’m glad. I broke up with Maci Kocsis but we made it up. Father has serious worries, I believe he is going to leave Rhonix, where until now he was the director [ Director in today’s context would be CEO ]. Now he is without a job. Mother cries all the time. Thank God, health wise we are well. My doll got beautiful clothes. Manci teases me with being in love with the Tӧrs boys – like hell – I only said they were nice and idiotic. Good night.
December 21, 1929
This is the first day of vacation, it will go until January 3. Quite short. In the afternoon I played with dolls. I will swindle myself out of practicing. We wanted to go to the Tӧrs’s but they are not at home. Now, God willing, I will always do my journal entries. I made 13 Luca slips [ A remnant of a Mediaeval superstition linked to the Day of Luca (Saint Lucia). Girls wrote the names of men on pieces of paper that were then folded and put under their pillows. Every morning one was burnt, the last one to remain would reveal the name of the man they were going to marry. ], I still have 4. Now we are off to buy liquor, rum and sugar.
December 22, 1929
We’ve been to the “Bethlen Square Stage” – Not??? A little cabaret. The program is really bad. I’m off to sleep. Thank god we are well.
December 24, 1929
I got 10 pengὃs [ Contemporary Hungarian currency. Quite a large sum for a child to spend. ] from Father and I can spend it on whatever I want. So, I got my doll’s foot and hand repaired, and she got hair and two pairs of shoes. I still have 4 pengὃs and 50 fillérs [ One hundred fillérs made up one pengὃ. ]. I don’t know yet what to spend it on. Today I’m going to Seress’s (former pupil) to decorate the Christmas tree. I don’t have anything planned for tonight. I am so bored. Today again Father won’t be home for dinner. I got a sweet little Kohinoor pencil [ Czech manufacturer of pencils and other art supplies, founded in 1790 ].
December 25, 1929
Last night, Christmas Eve, Mother and I were sitting at home and playing. I bought all sorts of chocolate for 2 pengὃs. For Christmas I got: memory album [ It was customary to collect messages, signatures, pictures, etc. from friends in a book that usually had a fancy binding, sometimes a small lock with key ], 10 pengὃs, a Kohinoor pencil and a comb. Father got home at six in the morning, drunk. We did not sleep at all during the night. Now, God willing, we are off to the theatre.
December 26, 1929
This morning we visited the Tӧrs’s . thank God we are well. Now, God willing, we are going to visit Auntie Jolán. A fairly dull story. I am bored.
December 27, 1929
Thank God we are well. I had a good time at Autie Jolán’s. Tonight, we are expecting guests: Toni and her fiancé and Toni’s sister ??? and her fiancé. God willing, there will be a big to-do. Father and Mother made beautiful entries in my memory album. I am about to visit Annika Levy. The poor thing is in bed, she had her tonsils taken out.
December 29, 1929
Today, God willing, we will go to see “Katica”. Yesterday I got a beautiful pencil. Yesterday I had a very good time with Manci.
December 30, 1929
Father came home at 4.30 in the morning, drunk. Otherwise, thank God, we are well. Tomorrow it is New Year’s Eve. God willing, I will be at the Levy’s. I will even sleep there. On Wednesday, thank God, I will sleep at Grandmother Zuckermann’s. I am invited to Márta Spiegel (former classmate) on Sunday.
December 31, 1929
Yesterday afternoon the Tӧrs boys. Manci still says that I’m in love with Iván. Not at all! It’s only that I find him attractive. He is a nice and handsome kid. It’s no longer certain that I will go the Levy’s because Annika has a throat ache again. The Tӧrs boys (Iván, Laca??) wrote in my memory album.
January 1, 1930
I went to the Levy’s by bus with Father. I didn’t have a very good time. At midnight I danced, dressed up as a clown. Then we turned off the lights, and drinking wine, we wished each other a Happy New Year. I got a sweet, 25 cm tall chocolate figure and Turkish paper ????. Mother and Father were together, thank the good God. We have just come from the movies. The film was pretty ordinary.
List of teachers
Thursday, January 2, 1930
Yesterday afternoon we went to the movies. It was quite good. God willing on Saturday I’ll go to school. I have a lot of homework. Now I will have to politely visit all the aunties and wish them a Happy New Year. A very boring endeavour. The only extenuating circumstance is that wherever I go I am offered a drink and cake.
1 p.m., January 3, 1930
I dread going back to school. I teach Manci Kocsis to play the piano. My doll will be ready tomorrow. I’m glad, I’ll be able to play with her.
January 4, 1930
It was quite all right at school. We had a good time with Manci today. My doll has turned out well.
January 7, 1930
Thank God, I’m well. I have a lot of homework. Yesterday Béla Kesὃi (?) was here. He’s an idiot!!! My Luca slips told me that he would be my husband. Nebich! [ Yiddish – regret, pity ]
January 12, 1930
God willing, I might be going ice-skating. Father came home at five, drunk.
January 27, 1930
Thank God, I’m well. I’ll get my report card on Saturday. It will be patchy. Yesterday I was at the Vigszinház [ one of the most prominent theatres in Budapest]. I saw a great play. Manci Kocsis doesn’t visit nowadays, she goes ice-skating. I’m starting to make up with ????. Such unpleasant boys go ice-skating. The only decent boy that I like is Iván Tӧrs. He’s a pleasant lad.
February 12, 1930
My report was fairly good. I only had three “3”s, Drawing, Geography and Music. On Saturday I was at the Royal Apollo [upmarket movie theatre]. It was great! On Sunday (February 2) I was at a boring afternoon tea at the Levy’s. There were a few idiotic older boys there. When he came home in the evening, I already had a temperature of 39˚. I had already kept to my bed for a week when I got up on Sunday and on Monday I went back to bed. This morning Father came home drunk. I’ve already spent two weeks in bed. I am awfully behind with my studies. Doesn’t matter. Today Iván Tӧrs was here. He brought books. I hope, with God’s help, I will be able to get out of bed the day after tomorrow.
February 28, 1930
I was out of bed for three days, but I had to go back again. I’ve been in bed for four weeks. But I hope that God willing, I’ll go back to school on Monday. I got so many things. Lots of chocolate, candy, cakes, fruit, 2 books, 2 dolls. In addition, one pengὃ for each medicine. I already have 7 or 8 pengὃs. I’d like to go back to school.
March 26, 1930
I’ve been back to school for 4-5 weeks. It’s quite all right. I have a lot to make up for. One Sunday the Tӧrs boys, Anni levy and I went to the Városi [movie theatre] to see “The Pale Yellow Rose”. It was quite good. We laughed a lot. Soon the Easter vacation will be here. I’m glad! My report card will be patchy. Thank God I’m well.
April 18, 1930
Thank God I’ve been enjoying the Easter vacation for 5 days. During this time, I went to the theatre twice in the “evening”. Father (the angel) came to pick us up by car both times.
List of all movies she had seen.
For the last three months now, I’ve had eczema behind my ear, and it has now spread to my face. We had to see a doctor, now it is beginning to recede. I’m off to eat. Today I play at cooking.
April 19, 1930
Thank God we are well. Tomorrow, God willing, I’m going to Márta Spiegel’s for afternoon tea. On Monday (the 21st) the boys will come to water [Easter watering is an age-old Hungarian folk custom. Its origins go back to ritual cleansing and spring fertility rites. In villages watering meant buckets of water poured on girls. By the 20th century, especially in cities, cologne was substituted for water and the watering became symbolic. It was also customary to give small gifts to the boys who came watering, especially hand painted Easter eggs – again related to fertility rites. While these customs were only observed by Christians, secular Jewish families also took part in such rituals just as they exchanged gifts at Christmas.]
School will start again on the 23rd.
May 6, 1930
Eleven boys came to water me. I’ve been back at school for quite a while already. Tomorrow there will be a school excursion. Thank God I am well. I’ve heard awful things about Manci Kocsis. She spends all her time with a boy. Quite a handsome lad.
May 15, 1930
At school I broke up with all the kids. I am disappointed in them. Thank God we are well. On Saturday (the 10th) we saw an evening performance of the Merry Widow. It was awesome! Soon, it will be my birthday. June the 1st. One more month, and then the test. Auntie Brandl left, we have a new form master. (Whatever. The girls bawled.) I’m off to cram.
Thank God Father does not stay out. Angel!
10 p.m. Sunday, June 1
Today was the big day, my birthday. Thank God, I am very happy. All I ask the good God for is that I have a lot more such happy birthdays with my parents. I got a lot of gifts; lots of flowers, a book, 2 boxes of chocolate, 2 colourful nighties, a hat, a coat, 10 pengὃs, a gold bracelet, a Japanese [ed. note: lacquered] writing set, an electric board game. I am satisfied. The journal is already a year old. I’m off to sleep.
10 p.m., Tuesday, June 10, 1930
Father stayed out on Sunday. He got home at 11 in the morning. In the afternoon we went to a show. On Monday morning we went to the cemetery. Then we went for a pleasure ride in Uncle Géza’s car [uncle, just as auntie, is a common courtesy title for adults. It does not denote a family relationship.]. It was nice! On Sunday afternoon we went to Gellérthegy [ Gellért Hill, a popular excursion spot in the middle of Budapest] with the Levy’s as a late birthday present. I got a necklace and a bunch of flowers.
12.30 p.m., Monday, June 23, 1930
On Saturday, June 21, was the last school test. Thank God, it went well. I got a lot of flowers. The year-end ceremony will be on Thursday the 26th and we will get our report cards then too. Thank God healthwise we are well. Finance-wise it’s not good. Father and Mother are very worried. It’s awful. Last night I went to the Buda Theatre Club. It was quite a good play. “The First Spring”. I am curious about my report card. This year we definitely will not go on a holiday. We don’t even have the money to buy me a bathing costume so I could go to the swimming pool. It’s all right, the main thing is health and thank God we have that.
11.15 a.m., Monday, June 30
The report card was quite good. One “3” for calligraphy and the rest of the marks are ones and I’m already going to the swimming pool. Today I have a slight cold, so I won’t go.
8p.m., June 30, 1930
I didn’t write more earlier because I had to go to have my temperature taken. It was 37.3˚. I was getting quite worried but Thank God by now my temperature has dropped. Well, the report was truly quite good. We spent yesterday (Sunday the 29th) with the Sereses (?????) in their villa at Rákoshegy [ outskirts of Budapest ]. We picked a lot of fruit. It was great. I hope, God willing, I’ll get well in a few days and go to the pool again. Good night!
Midday, June 31, 1930
Thank God I don’t have a fever, but the doctor has been called anyway. Now I’m on my own, Mother and Mari [most likely the name of the maid] went to the market. I’m bored. I keep trying to think about something to do that I wouldn’t be allowed to do with them here.
About myself: I’m 12 years old. I started to journal at the age of 11. My hair and eyes are brown. I look quite all right, thank God. It’s only my nose that spreads in both directions.
Wednesday morning, July2, 1930
Last night our doctor, Dr Braun, was here and he said that, thank God, there was nothing seriously wrong, it was just a mild cold. So, I can walk around instead of being in bed. Father came home very drunk. I can’t bear these excitements. It’s awful. Otherwise, thank God, I’m well.
7 p.m. Friday, July 18
I’ve just got home from the pool. I’ve got such a tan! Since my last entry Father stayed out three times. Now he made a vow that he would not drink any more. Grandmother Sebestyén is at Lovrana [Lovran, Croatian seaside resort]. We are not travelling anywhere. Well, I’m very sorry about staying at home. By now Anni Luy, Kató Neuwald, the Tӧrses, Manci Kocsis and ??? have all gone somewhere. The old friendship with the Neuwalds has been re-established. I spend most days at the pool. Thank God, I’m well. I saw three evening shows recently. “The First Spring” and ??????. They were great.
August 23, 1930
I spent 11 days in Érd [outskirts of Budapest] at Father’s acquaintances for a holiday. It’s possible that’ll go back to Érd for another week. I had a great time. There were two kids who were great to play with. Otherwise I spend all my time at the pool. I made up with Bandi Strausz, a very handsome, nice looking guy, who is a friend of Iván Tӧrs. We corresponded while he was away on vacation. Once I get home I hang out with the ???? who live opposite us, they are nice and good-looking boys and we are good friends although Mother is against the friendship. But they are very funny, and we get up to all sorts of things. School will start soon, on September 3. Otherwise, thank God, we are well. Manci and Anni will return from their vacations on the 1st.
September 2, 1930
Thank God we are well. When the weather was good, I spent my time at the swimming pool, sometimes with Mother sometimes with Ilonka Balog. That’s how summer passed. Tomorrow, August 3 [she got it wrong – September 3) school will start. Manci, Anni and Kató are back from their vacations. Yesterday was a huge demonstration, so I was not allowed out on the street. We spent the day playing with Manci. In the evening Father, Mother and I went to the Tӧrses where we danced and had a very good time. During the summer holidays I saw a total of six evening shows, 19 times in my entire life. They were outstanding. Lately Alice Willmann is my best friend who attended one of the shows, and we usually walk to school together.
[This needs to go in a box – the entries are from much later]
November 4, 1930
I’ve been to an evening show 20 times in my entire life.
January 1, 1932
Since then I have been 59 times.
September 17, 1930
School went back on the 3rd. So far, I’ve been doing well with tests. I’ve got all my stuff. My best friend is Alice Willmann who sits next to me [school benches were for two people and seats were assigned for a whole year]. She’s a sweet kid. On Sunday the Tӧrs boys, Bandi Strausz and one his friends visited us. They managed to turn the whole apartment upside down. Still, they are very sweet. So far, we had three different form masters, now we have a new one again. At home my life is not all that joyful. Father stayed out some six times and every time I stayed up. Now I’m angry with him and Mother as well.
September 24, 1930 Rosh Hashana
I made it up with my parents. Today Father came home drunk again. By the time he sobered up there was another quarrel. I cried a lot. Yesterday I went to the movies with Alice Willmann. By tomorrow the two-day holiday will be over. I will have to go to school. On the festival day Father had dinner at home and then we went to Grandmother Sebestyén. Last week I was at the Wunder-Bar. It was great. Otherwise, thank God, we are well. Life is good, one just has to get used to it.
September 30, 1930
Thank God we are well. There will be another day off school because it is a festival again. Every Friday we go to synagogue with the boys. Last Friday, the 26th, I met Bandi and his brother., Sanyi. I was so confused when talking with him that he thought I was an idiot. At school we keep organising pranks. Alice and I talk about the boys all the time. Lately Iván, Bandi, Sanyi, Pali, Kuksi and Gyuri Faragó appeal to me. I broke up with Manci Kocsis. I think it is for good.
October 13, 1930
I had a pretty unfortunate day at a school today. But otherwise school’s going quite well. Father has stayed out a few times but despite that, thank God, we’re mostly well. The old maid, Bӧzsi left. She was replaced with a new one, her name is Rózsi. Again, we have two days off because of the festival.
November 4, 1930
Thank God, we are well. Mother has a bit of a cold. I’m on a five-day break, but four days have already gone. Last night I was at the theatre and I met Márton Rátkay [a popular actor of the time]. We spent three weeks preparing for a picnic. We had it on Saturday, November 1. It was fantastic. I danced dressed as a boy. The Tӧrs boys were also here. All up there were ten of us. There was dancing, eating, drinking. On Sunday, Nov. 2 the Tӧrs boys, I, Alice and the Strausz boys went to the theatre. I believe Uncle Géza will sell the theatre. That’s terrible! Tomorrow, God willing, I’ll go to school
Kocsis Manci’s father died. I made it up with her.
November 9, 1930
Thank God we are well. Grandfather Sebestyén got ill but by now he is well. At school all’s good. Nothing special is going on. Father stayed out again. By now he is sober.
November 18, 1930
Thank God we are well. Father has stayed out twice. Yesterday I was at ???’s for afternoon tea. I had quite a good time. Nothing special is going on. Soon it will be Mikulás! That’s awesome. [St Nicholas’ Day is celebrated in Hungary on December 6. “Mikulás”, or St Nicholas is dressed as Santa Claus, children clean their shoes and put them in the window on the evening on December 5. If they were well behaved, they receive sweets and other presents. If they were not well behaved, they get a virgács, or switch, resembling a small broom, often painted gold from the evil elf, a devil-like figure.]
Tuesday, December 2, 1930
Today is the first snowy day. The weather is beautiful. The snowfall is crisp and white. illegible phrase. Thank God we are well. On Sunday we were with Lucy and family????. Father has a slight cold. Me too. Things don’t go well for him, unfortunately. He is very disappointed. My Dear! I can barely wait for the ice [skating] to begin. God willing, this year I will definitely go regularly. Unfortunately, not where the boys I know will go but to another, smaller rink. It doesn’t matter! The main thing is that I can go. We no longer go to illegible word. It’s “Mikulás” on Saturday! I’m so glad. My doll will be [dressed up] as “Mikulás”.
Saturday, ‘Mikulás”, December 6
I’ve been looking forward to “Mikulás” for a week now. I got five Pengὃs from Father, and I put one in the moneybox, (I’ve forgotten to write earlier that I have a moneybox and every month I transfer the money to my savings account. There is already 86 Pengὃs there), and I will spend the rest on chocolate and dressing up my doll as “Mikulás”. Super! Father came home drunk at 5 a.m. Illegible phrase. I’ve just got back from the cinema. I cried my eyes out, the film was so beautiful. But now I am annoyed because I have to stay at home in the evening. Manci and Annus have come to visit and we will organise a fantastic evening. I’ll write about how it goes tomorrow.
Monday, December 15, 1930
The evening went extremely well. It was great! Father stayed out yesterday, and I cried a lot. On Sunday I went to the theatre with the Tӧrs boys. It was [illegible word]. Thank God, we are well. I wish I could already go skating. Most likely holidays will begin on the 20th. Everything is fine at school.
[Out of sequence comments.]
István Tӧrs: June 12, Tӧrs: June 25, Bandi Straus: June 7, ??: January 16. Zsuzsi Feld: 8
December 20, 1930
Christmas holidays started today. It’s not too long. It lasts until January 7. Most likely. I’ll spend New Year’s Eve with the Luys again. Otherwise, thank God, we are well. I went skating for the first time today. I only dared to slide around somehow with the trainer. God willing, tomorrow I’ll get a nice pair of boots, either rubber or patent leather. Our maid will put up a Christmas tree. 6 kg ???. I love skating. I just wish I could do it well. Now I’m off to have a bath and wash my hair. Good night!
December 22, 1930
Thank God we are well. Yesterday I went to the theatre and visited Sebestyén grandmother. Today I went skating. I fell over twice already. Somehow, I can move on the ice. This afternoon we plan to go shopping with Father for rubber boots, stockings, music scores and a fur hat. [Russian style – ushanka].
December 27, 1930
I exercise every morning to be toned. Apparently, thanks to the good God, I’m toned enough.
December 30, 1930
I got a very nice pair of snow boots, music scores, silk stockings. Since then Father had stayed out and created an awful scene. With the maid we decorated beautifully the Christmas tree. I received a lot of presents: 1kg Gerbaud [cakes from the most famous pastry shop in Budapest], a chocolate basket filled with candies, two boxes of chocolate, a camera and candies, one pair of stockings, one pair of skates, one pair of stockings, one Christmas tree. For the New Year I got one velvet and five chocolate pigs. On Sunday (28th) we visited the Tӧrses where I had a splendid time. There was a boy there, Viki Szombaty, 17 years old, reasonably handsome, and he was very kind and wooed me a little. Today I went to the movies. Generally, now that it is the holidays, I go somewhere every day and I stay up until midnight. Sebestyén grandmother was very ill, but she is much better now, thank God. I also go skating, I’m doing quite well. There is a boy there, and I like him a lot. ??? Tomorrow, New Year’s Eve, God willing, I’m going to go to Luy’s and spend the night there too. I’ll write about what sort of time I will have.
January 1, 1931
I was at the Luys last night. The Luy parents left at 11. Then I sat down with a typewriter until midnight. We had dinner then. Then I played the piano. We danced. We went to bed at 2. At 2.30 the Luys came home and stayed up until 4:30 a.m. it was great! I got from them a chocolate basket with candies. Thank God, Father did not stay out. Now it’s 5:45 p.m. and hopefully we’ll go to the movies.
Wednesday, 7:45, January 7, 1931
Yesterday was a big day. I became a big girl [euphemism for starting to menstruate] yesterday. I started to bleed. Mother says yesterday I became a big girl (January 6). I wonder if she will take me to the theatre in the evening if I am a big girl. Otherwise, thank God, we are well.
February 2, 1931
I got my report card on January 31. It’s pretty bad. Yesterday I met some boys, Vendel Szilágyi, and the other Tӧfike [silly nickname] they are very handsome and nice. I like them. I write a lot of poetry nowadays. For instance:
[primitive rhymes]
Klári Sebestyén and Vendel Szilágyi are engaged,
Both are very nice,
Klári is beautiful and nice,
Except her nose is wet.
Vendel is quite a handsome lad,
He has a sweet little moustache,
If he misbehaves, Klári will yank it.
His teeth are also beautiful,
And all are healthy.
The poem ends here,
Its contents is silly.
Otherwise, thank God we are well. I exercise every day and I begin to look quite toned.
February 16, 1931
Thank God we are well. I did quite well on the ice today. Incidentally, Father stayed out last night and lost some three thousand Pengὃs. He is quite devastated. There are a lot of good-looking boys at the skating rink. I have two girlfriends from school, Fleischer and Vollák. I haven’t spoken with ??? for two months already. I’m doing quite well at school. I had my half-yearly piano exam yesterday. Thank God, it went quite well.
March 6, 1931
Thank god we are well. Father vowed yet again that he wouldn’t drink anymore. There is no more skating. Thank God spring is here. I lost a week of school because I had a cold. I haven’t missed even a minute yet apart from this time. There is a lot to make up for. I seldom find myself in the company of boys. The news is that the Garay market next door to us will move because they will build a new marketplace. Another few months, and the school year will be over.
April 5, 1931
Today is Easter Sunday. I’ve been enjoying the vacation for the last week. Thank God we are well. I’ve made up with Alice Ullman and now I take walks with her every morning. Manci had her birthday yesterday. Tomorrow it is Shower Monday [see previous comment on Easter “watering” customs.]
Monday, April 13, 1931
No one came to shower me. I’m upset about this. The vacation passed really well (it was 12 days). I saw evening performances was at the theatre twice and once I went to the movies. Now I’m back to school. Last Saturday night I visited Dóra Miklós. There was a very handsome cadet there and I danced with him a lot. Yesterday, Sunday, I attended Kata Neuvald’s 12th birthday. I had a great time until about midnight. Gabi Bálint, Bandi Neuvald, Laci and Gyuri ??? were there as well as Kató, Magda, another two girls and I. There were great jests. I danced a lot. Lately I really find L.F and Gy. F. very attractive. I even go to synagogue. There are reasonably good-looking boys there. Thank God we are well.
Monday, May 4, 1931
Thank God we are well. Soon school will be out. It’s quite warm by now. I got a very nice swimsuit, it’s blue at the bottom and white on top. I now go to synagogue every week where I meet Bandi Strauss who then walks me home. I really like him. I hear that Iván Tӧrs really finds me attractive. We often go to Érd [district of Budapest, about 20 km from the centre].
June 3, 1931
My birthday was on Monday the 1st. I wish the Lord will grant me many more such truly happy days. Twelve bouquets, two pot plants, one flower basket, three gramophone records, two outfits, 50 sheets of letter paper, a white leather purse with silver [presumably clasps], a white cap, 20 ???? , three packets of candies, a chain, two dresses, two (wide) patent leather belts, a small toiletry bag and an infinite number of good wishes were the gifts. At lunchtime we had a festive meal with beer and liqueurs, in the evening beer at a restaurant. For the 20 Pengὃs I got a pair of beautiful suede high-heeled shoes. Last month I bought a pair of beige shoes with lower heels. Now I have six pairs of silk and 10-11 pairs of cotton stockings and six pairs of shoes. Maybe I’ll even get a pair of white leather gloves. School will go on for another week then it will be over. Maybe I will vacation at Balatonfüred [resort on the shore of Lake Balaton]. I’m so excited. I’ve already been to a swimming pool in Pest. It was great. It is quite likely that I will get a blue two-piece suit, then I will be so elegant. But my report card won’t be elegant, on the contrary, it will be pretty bad. I was measured yesterday; I am 1.58 m tall and I weigh 53.9 kg.
June 19, 1931
Thank God I did well with the tests. My report card is pretty bad. I got four threes, history, arithmetic, drawing and embroidery. [One was the highest grade, four meant failure.] The rest are twos and one. Behaviour – two. Yesterday was the closing ceremony and Mother has already signed me up for fourth grade. Last Wednesday, (June 17) I was in Esztergom [town about 50 km north of Budapest on the bank of the River Danube] with my class. It was very pleasant; we took the train going there and we returned by boat. There were 50 German students on the boat. I got acquainted with a beautiful blond boy who flirted with me madly. His name is Villy, he speaks six languages and has just finished the second semester. He is 22 years old. He was very nice. He even got the Gipsy [musician providing entertainment on board] to play my favourite song and at the end he told me that saying good-bye was painful. He promised to write. I hope he will write because I really liked him. At first, I was in love with him, by now I’m starting to cool off. There were two or three other boys on board with whom I made friends. They were not courting me, but we had a good time. They were all sweet and handsome…
Yesterday we were at the swimming pool, Bandi, Iván and the other boys too. Bandi, while being friends kissed me too, but only on my face. Incidentally Gyuri and Laci Faragó said I was nice, I’m glad of that because I like them. Miki ?? spends a bit too much time telephoning. I’m getting a bit bored with appealing to him. Now the vacation is here, and I enjoy it very much. Tonight, I’ll go to ??? with Laci Budai.
June 30, 1931
Unfortunately, I got a cold and an eye infection at the swimming pool and now I have to go to the doctor rather than the swimming pool. I met a boy, ???, he’s in love with me, he keeps phoning, he also took a photo.
July 11, 1931
Thank God I’m back to full health. I’ve been at the swimming pool every day. I’ve met lots of boys at the swimming pool and by now I have a large circle. I know Jenὃ, Gyula, Imre, Sanyi, Jancsi, Gyuri and a lot of other boys. There is even a film of me with Jancsi. He is a sweet, attractive boy. I like him a lot. I found out this afternoon that tomorrow we will be travelling to Balatonfüred [resort on the northern shore of Lake Balaton]. I’m so happy. I’ll make entries to the diary there too. Incidentally Manci Kocsis got very sick, she is in a sanatorium. It’s awful! I’ll write more when I get there. Good-bye!!!
July 17, 1931
Thank God we arrived safely. Here I came across Mandi Szántó, the daughter of the restaurant owner, who’s been a friend for a while now. Márta Spiegel, who I used to go to school with, is also here. So, I have company. They introduced Bandi László, Jancsi ??, Gyuri Tábori, I like them all. I’ve become really good friends with Bandi László, he even wanted to kiss me. I also me a cadet, Frici, Árpád Friedrich. We were together all afternoon. It seems that he is attracted to me because he left yesterday and today I already got a card from him. He is a nice boy. I know from afar – a very nice boy. His name is Gyuri Molnár. He appeals to me a lot. I’ve already got a letter from Fancsi Rákos. She wrote very nicely. She’s sweet! Otherwise, thank God, we are well. It’s great to bathe in Lake Balaton. I bathe at lunchtime, go boating in the afternoon and I walk on the pier or go dancing in the evening. I go to bed at midnight every day. Maybe I’ll join the local dance school. [Illegible sentence].
July 20, 1971
I met Gyuri Molnár, he is a very nice lad. Father visited yesterday; we had a great time. Thank God we are well. Maybe we’ll stay for another fortnight.
Tuesday, 4.30 pm, August 4, 1931
Thank God we are well. Grandmother Sebestyén is here and now we are holidaying together. Father has already visited twice. Dodi is also here for two days, but s/he’s left already. I met a very handsome blond boy, his name is Jancsi. Then I met Laci, Tibi, Jancsi Pál. They are nice boys; I stand my time at the beach with them. Frici wrote again but Mother doesn’t allow me to respond. Iván and Jancsi have also written. There were two other handsome boys here but they’ve already left. Elemér Szilágyi and Laci Bolgár. We’ve been here for three weeks already, perhaps we’ll stay for another two. I attend dance school where I have a great time with Gyuri Tábori.
Friday, 3.30 pm, August 14, 1931
By Sunday we will have been here for five weeks. Father comes tomorrow and we’ll discuss then when we travel home. (Most likely, the 18th.) Otherwise, thank God we are well. I met Imre ??? and Imre Lӧwinger and two other boys. I usually dance with them in the evenings. I’ve also met Gyuri Tábori’s brother Pali and Gyuri Dávid. I like them. I spend a lot of time with Jani Pál. We also met here two teachers, who remind me of the unfortunately approaching school year.
August 24, 1931
I got home from our six-week very pleasant holiday last night (8 pm August 23). Thank God we had an awesome time. In the last days I also met Gyuri Pamucz. He’s a nice boy. The boys I liked most during the holiday were: Gyuri Tábori, Laci and Gyuri Dávid, Gyuri Bánó, Sanyi Molnár, János Loschdorfer, Gyuri Gergely, Laci ???, Elemér Szilágyi, Frici Friedrich, Jancsi ???, János Pál, Sándor ???, Bandi László, Jancsi Jankovics, Misi Kálmán, Harry Deutsch, ???, Pista, Béla, Laci, Imre Boliner, Imre Lӧwinger, Tibi Eichenbauer, Misi the blond, the chestnut, Laci Bolgár. School starts on the 9th.
9 pm, September 3, 1931
Thank God we are well. Since we got home, I went to theatre performances. I’ve already met Jancsi, Bandi, Iván, etc. The name of my latest crush is Ede. He’s a very handsome boy with brown hair. I know a very handsome boy from afar. I see him every day and he always looks at me. I like him a lot. I am definitely not vain but I’m starting to think that I am very pretty. Everyone says so. When I walk on the street everyone addresses me. This is ???? but it still feels very, very good. I very much would like to be beautiful, pretty and rich. May God help that all my dreams come true. May God grant me that I live for another 100 years with my parents in good health, happiness and good fortune.
Yesterday we were at the eye doctor. Unfortunately, my eyesight got worse. I am very short-sighted. I ought to wear glasses all the time. Of course, I don’t, except at home.
September 9, 1931
School’s back. First, we went to church / synagogue [impossible to determine – the word used is temple which can mean both in Hungarian] where I met the boys and later I had to suffer through the opening ceremony. Last year’s A, B, and C classes are now combined into A and B. I’m in B. So: Klári Sebestyén IV A. We have a new form teacher, Auntie Strasser, she is extremely strict. Several new [female] teachers are yet to come.
9 pm, September 14, 1931
Studying is going on more or less OK. Now I also learn English. Also, German and piano. Thank God we are well. I made up with Alice Willmann. Gyuri ??? wrote again. I haven’t seen Jancsi, Bandi, Iván, ??? for a while now.
9 pm, Monday, Yom Kippur September 21, 1931
It was the first time in my life that I fasted the whole day. From 5 pm on Sunday to 7 pm on Monday. The fast passed relatively pleasantly. The whole day I walked with Vera Simon and Laci ???. Vera introduced this boy to me today. He’s a fairly handsome kid. Vera told him that his presence was unwelcome to me and he should leave. So, he went, took offence and will never again have anything to do with me. Otherwise thank God we are well. Studying is going quite well. I would like to get only top marks this year. I now like Imre Kis. Gyuri ??? phoned, I was not at home and Father was very frosty with him, so he took offence.
8:30 pm, Sunday, September 27
Thank God we are well. We were planning to go to the theatre tonight but there was going to be some sort of demonstration, so we stayed at home. I haven’t seen any boys for quite a while now. But now I have to really focus on studying. I should have all ones [top mark]. I now attend fourth grade in secondary school [polgári, a type of secondary school that did not provide matriculation] and next year I’d like to go to a teachers’ training college [for qualifications to teach in elementary schools]. School is going more or less well and I’m making good progress with English.
7 pm Monday, October 12, 1931
Thank God we are well. Father has again stayed out. Dreadul! It was embarrassing, I had to go downstairs and help poor thing, drunk, on the street in full daylight. Crazy! I haven’t had a period for two months and I’m afraid there’s something wrong with me. Today the Tӧrs boys came to visit as well as Jancsi Rákos. The latter really, really appeals to me. He’s a dear, good boy! My teachers, IV A: [list of 10 names].
10 pm, Saturday, November 7, 1931
Thank God we are well. Since then Father has stayed out five times already. Crazy! I’m just expecting him to stay out again, tomorrow is Sunday and he usually stays out. What a shame. Nowadays I don’t go to the theatre much. My Uncle sold the town theatre last year, since then I mostly go to the movies. I’ve seen some great movies. The Budapest Operetta Theatre now belongs to my Uncle Dódi, but I don’t think that will last long because the circumstances are so bad. I was at the movies today too. I saw a tremendous film with Kató Nagy and Villy ?. At times like this I am always under the influence of events and I’d like to be an actress myself. To shine, to glow like the others. When I return to reality, I recognise that all this is craziness. Here there is serious life, school. No room for daydreaming. School’s going quite well. Now, thank God, I’m a much better pupil that last year. My marks are between 1 and 2. I hardly have any contact with boys. Jancsi Rákosi once walked home with me from the synagogue. I think a lot about my pleasant summer experiences and the boys of the summer. Summer flew away, and I think about it a lot. I believe this was the last carefree, light-hearted summer of my life. Because by next year life in earnest will be here. I write this entry as I listen to Gipsy music playing in the radio, that’s why my mood is so downcast. I write so little these days because often I study until 11 pm. I’m making good progress in English, German and piano too. I got a pair of high-heeled, black suede shoes.
8 pm, Saturday, November 14, 1931
Thank God we are well. Father really stayed put last Saturday and made such a row. Nowadays the drinking is reaching dreadful levels. It is always I who need to get him from the street, and I am very ashamed that I drag him along the street, drunken. But I still adore him. He has many worries, poor thing, maybe that’s why he drinks. This afternoon we went to the theatre with Alice and we found very handsome boys. We come out of the theatre and who do we run into? Gyuri ?. He was very sweet. He walked with me all the way home. Mother walked behind with Alice and we went ahead. He was courting me very sweetly. Maybe he likes me. It was nt the first time I met him. Tonight Hugó Krammer came to visit and we danced a lot. It was awesome.
3:30 pm Sunday, November 22, 1931
One night we went to the theatre. After the performance Father and I came home together and had dinner at home. It was great. The other night Father stayed at home again. Until then it was all good. Last night he went to Érd [village not far from Budapest] and he stayed there for the night. I thought that he had stayed out again but he came home at noon totally sober. But he had a fever and a bad cold. What else could I do, I started to cry. Now the temperature of this angel is very high. I’m so afraid. Dear God grant that this adored man be all right! Amen.
4:30 pm Monday, December 7, 1931
Thank God that angel has recovered. On the other hand, on Thursday I took to my bed and I only got up today. I had tonsillitis. By now, thank God, I’m well. At school I got praised by Auntie Strasser – whom I like a lot - because now, thank God, I’m a good pupil. From Lucy I got a hat and scarf, from Father a beautiful navy blue silk material for a dress, from Mother silk stocking and thick ski socks, from ?? silk stockings. Chocolates, and boots. From Father’s friend a 300 mm tall chocolate figure. These are my presents for Mikulás.
7 pm Saturday, December 26, 1931
Last Friday I was taken ill and after a week in bed I got up today. I had mumps. It makes one’s neck and face swollen. I looked really ugly. Thank God by now the swelling has gone done and I begin to look human again. I’m only concerned that I’ll get eczema again behind my ears. But I trust God to help me and not abandon me. Vacation started on December 20 but unfortunately, I can’t enjoy it. I need to stay indoors for another week. If I recuperate well by Friday, I can go out. Even then I could only enjoy one week of the holidays. I even had to spend Christmas at home. For Christmas I got: one basket of candies, a bonbonniere (crystal) with candies, one silver compact with mirror. Tomorrow I will get a lot of other things. Unfortunately, I will also have to spend New Year’s Eve at home. I was going to go to a picnic at Lucy’s. Poor Amy broke her leg the day before yesterday. I’m so sorry for her. Boy matters: Pista Balázs, 17 years old, brown hair, handsome wants to meet me. He keeps phoning. He’s a sweet little guy.
2 pm Sunday, December 27, 1931
Father was at Érd yesterday and brought back 1 kg candies from the baker, chocolates (cost 15 P.). Lucy promised that I would get a purse, but they haven’t brought it so far. Jani is not in a hurry either with the present even though he didn’t give me anything for Mikulás. This week I have to sit at home in house arrest. I’m so bored! That’s why I make entries to the diary more frequently.
5 pm Tuesday, December 29, 1931
I’m very bored. I’ve done nothing all day long. I don’t do anything worthwhile. I wish I could go out already. Iván Tӧrs phoned today. He asked after my health and promised to visit me with Jancsi Rákos. I’m glad. There is no sign of that rotten Gyuri ? True, Father does not allow us to correspond or talk on the phone. I’d like him to wish me a Happy New Year in some way.
6 pm Thursday, December 31, 1931
Because of this rotten illness I have to stay at home on New Year’s Eve! (that’s today.) Isn’t it dreadful? There’s a great party at Lucy’s. There’s an automatic ??? in one room, and a bar in the other. There will be dancing, 11 boys, nice girls, serpentine, snowballs, partying. I would have liked to be there very much. So, we are going to have a party at home. We’ve ordered liqueur, candies, raspberry cordial, nuts, various cakes. There’ll be great music on the radio until 2 am. I’ll have a good time some way or another. The maid (Rózsi) will also be at home. I got 500 gr of St István chocolates from Lucy. From Father a chocolate ???. I’m eating so much chocolate I look like a cow. I also got a bottle of perfume. Tonight’s is my last entry in the diary this year. Tomorrow it is another year, January 1, 1932. Time flies. Soon I’ll be 14 years old. So, I’m saying good-bye to the old year and I ask God to grant us a happy, lucky new year. So be it. Amen.
1 pm, January 1, 1932
I had quite a good time last night. The radio was great. I drank so much that I was a little drunk. At midnight Gyӧrgyi ?? called to wish me a Happy New Year. Then she passed the phone to an extraordinarily nice, smart boy and I spent half-an-hour talking with him. The boy was truly nice and he kept saying that I was surely 18-years old. He would like to meet me because “my chatter was smart”. His name is Dénes Kovács and he appeals to me and I want to meet him as soon as I can, God willing. So, I was very happy last night. But the morning… Father stayed out again. Someone came in the morning to tell us that Father was being beaten up by the driver. But Thank God my darling did not suffer anything serious. He’s still not at home. I’m slowly going mad due to anxiety. I am going to keep track how many times he stays out in the year. So, January 1, first time.
2 pm Sunday, January 3, 1932
Thank God Father came home healthy. I got a terrific gold ring with a smashing black stone in the middle. It suits me very well. Dénes Kovács telephoned me. He was very nice and gave me his phone number (Aut 234 – 260) and asked me to call him. Apparently, he is a very handsome boy and he appeals to me even through the phone but because Father was at home and he doesn’t like the “boy matters” I was very cool with him. Father said that if he rang again, he would tell him to leave me alone. This annoys me. I wish he would not ring when Father is at home. Last night I danced, and I fell so badly that I can’t lift my foot. I think I can’t even go out today. Madness! Yesterday was the first day that I was free and today I don’t feel well again. Dear God, I hope I will be all right.
11.45 am Tuesday, January 5, 1932
As we were putting cold compresses on my foot all day Sunday, thank God, by today my foot ache is more or less gone. Yesterday afternoon the Tӧrs boys came to visit me. In the evening Mother went to visit the neighbours, and I immediately went to the phone and called the number given to me by Dénes. ???? a woman answered and said she’d get Dénes. But I didn’t wait for that, I hung up. After all Father forbade me to talk with him. Even though I virtually fell in love with him through the phone…This afternoon, thank God, we are going to the Royal – Apollo with Mrs Benedek [wife of Dr Benedek]. My new dress will most likely be brought home, but I don’t think I can wear it because my foot still aches, and I can’t put on the matching shoes. School starts on Thursday, January 7, 1932. It’s not sure yet if I can go to school.
10 pm Wednesday, January 6, 1932
My new dress was brought home today. Navy blue crepe de chin with pink ???. I look very handsome in it, thank God. In the afternoon I put it on to visit the Luys. Thank God I looked very well. I wore the new dress and the beautiful black suede shoes. I was flushed and I looked quite good. Later boys and girls came to the Luys and so I had a really good time. Suddenly Dénes Kovács arrived! So, I got to meet him. He’s quite a handsome, tall boy. I like him a lot, and I think he likes me too because he desperately courted me. He was really sweet. Now it is he who appeals to me. But for how long ?????
7 pm Monday, January 11, 1932
If a stranger were to read this diary, they would drop down in wonder. Why? This is the situation: I went to school for the first time today. In the morning I was still coughing a lot, because I got another cold and I have been coughing for days. So, in the afternoon we went to see Dr Braun. He first examined my lungs, thank God, there was nothing wrong with them. But now! Now for the punchline! The skin on my hands has been peeling for days. He looked at it and said that most likely I had had scarlet fever and the peeling is the tail end of it. I could have been knocked down with a feather. I can’t go to school again until the skin peeling is over. I’ve got to stay at home. But I don’t mind. If indeed this was scarlet fever than I thank God that I went through it with such relative ease. I’ve just remembered. On the way there we ran into Gyuri ???. He became very handsome. I think he’s no longer in love with me because he was no longer courting me so intensely. So what? We agreed that he would phone me on Friday, and we would go to the movies together on Saturday (with Mother?!). But I think in such circumstances it’s hardly motivated.
3 pm Thursday, January 14, 1932
I had a urine test, thank God there’s nothing wrong with me. My hands are still peeling so I can’t leave the heated room. There’s some talk about going to Miskolc [town in north east Hungary] for two weeks if my illness is over.
1:30 pm Sunday January 17, 1932
Gyuri ??? rang me on Friday, he was very nice, but he was annoyed that I could not go to the movies with him. He said he’d ring me again one of these days. Now it is he who appeals to me. Until when?...Unfortunately I still have to stay in. It’s Sunday today I’m at home, feeling bored. I can hardly wait until I can get out.
[Rhyming -a primitive poem]
Gyuri ??? is a very nice kid,
I don’t dare to think about him a lot
Father doesn’t like “boy issues”
So I keep the kid far from me
Of course, not much, just a little
But I still like him a lot
Even if I am high in the instep with him
I’m cold and off-hand
But inside hopeful
Maybe Father will allow him to phone?
And court me.
I won’t get bored with him
Although who knows?
10 pm Thursday, February 4, 1932
I don’t have much time to write. I’m going to school now and I have a lot to make up for. Today I studied from two in the afternoon until ten at night. I haven’t gotten to English, German, piano as yet, I’m just working on what I missed at school. Otherwise, thak God we are well.
2:30 pm Sunday, February 7, 1932
On Friday, February 5, 1932 – the fourth time for Father this year. Horrible! I worried an awful lot but with God’s help everything was all right. After the worrisome day on Friday, yesterday was a great day. We sold my old shoes and I got a brand new pair of black suede shoes as well as a pair of silk stockings and a hat. I went to the movies in the afternoon and in the evening, Father stayed at home and had dinner with us. So, that’s what our dear God is like. One day it’s anxiety, full of worries and the other is pleasant, joyful. I don’t know yet where we plan to go today. For the time being I study.
8 pm Wednesday, February 17, 1932
I started to feel unwell on Thursday afternoon – in the end I stayed in bed from Friday to Wednesday night. I had the flu, high temperature. Three doctors were here. They allowed me to get up for a short while tonight. I still don’t feel well but if I am allowed to get out of bed tomorrow morning I’ll write some more.
3.30 pm Monday February 22, 1932
I was allowed to go out on Saturday. I was back at school for the first time today. Now I’m asking God again to end this illness, let me regain my strength and health. (Amen.) After all, I’ve been sick all winter! I’ve got a lot of studying to make up for but, God willing, I’ll go to the movies at six this afternoon.
Midday, Sunday, February 28, 1932
Thank God we are well. All’s going well at school. It’s only arithmetic where I’m not doing well. There is a flu epidemic but I’m already over it. There’s nothing noteworthy going on.
9 pm Saturday, March 5, 1932
Thank God we are well. Last night (March 4) we visited the Benedeks. Fatty? Benedek is a handsome, 20-year old boy. We had a great time. We danced together very well. I don’t know, but somehow, I felt that he was into me. He was nice and polite. And he touched me strangely, with heat when we danced. I’m not used to that, but it felt good. It was only Gyuri ??? who behaved in a similar manner towards me. I know that Fatty? has been courting a girl for five years. Well then, what does he want from me? I don’t know, but a strange feeling overcame me. Until now boys merely appealed to me, but now…my God! I could kiss Fatty?. I think I’ll get rid Fatty? soon too. The last thing I need is to fall in love with him. But now he is the one I like best and I think I’m even a little bit in love with him.
March 4, 1932 – Father had stayed out for the fifth time this year but thank God he was home by 5 in the morning.
8 pm Tuesday, March 8
Well, thank God! I’m a little bit over Fatty?. I don’t know, it seems I’m a total idiot. I’ve never written in such a dreamy way about a boy as I have of Fatty? in my diary. Now, I promptly take back everything. It seems that I got somewhat confused because during the dance … how to say it.. well yes…But now I’m over it and am fully sober again. I still like him a bit but so what I usually have five or six in my head at the same time. With that I close down the Fatty? issue. Anyway, there are gloomier thoughts in my head. It is ten years since my poor dear brother Lacika died. God! Why didn’t you let him live? How good would it be now to have an older brother to lean on for everything in life? Poor Mother is very miserable. Why didn’t I die? Maybe their hearts would not ache so much for me.
9 pm Saturday, March 19,1932
Well there’s lot of news. On Sunday (13th) we were at the Benedeks. Fatty? was really sweet. But in the afternoon, I got unwell. We had to come home immediately and by the time we got home my temperature was 40˚C. I was in bed with the flu all week. I got out of bed for the first time today and maybe tomorrow I’ll be allowed to go outside. All these illnesses during winter. But now I hope that at last all will be well. Incidentally, Father stayed out again, (Tuesday, March 15) the sixth time this year. He promised me that I would get a dog! Easter vacation started today, and it will go for ten days. I’d like to make the most of it. But now, I’m going to bed. Good night!
3 pm Monday, March 21, 1932
Thank God I’m well again. Yesterday I even went to the theatre and saw an amazingly good play. Now, I’m just enjoying this priceless vacation.
9.30 pm Wednesday, March 23, 1932
Thank God we are well. I’m enjoying the vacation that unfortunately will end on Wednesday (March 30, 1932). I spend my days walking with Alice Wilmann and eating and resting. It’s great. The night before last I was at the Király Theatre. Father came to pick us up.
9 pm Monday, April 4, 1932
Unfortunately, the vacation is over. Now it’s back to studying and toiling. I go to synagogue again. There are boys there too!!! Yesterday we were at the Tӧrs’ Thank God everyone says that my figure is good and I’m starting to get lovely. Oh, Dear God, make me beautiful with a good figure. (healthy, fortunate, happy, rich) Amen.
2 pm Sunday, April 10, 1932
Father stayed out on Tuesday (April 8, 1932) and yesterday (Wednesday, April 9). These are the 7th and 8th occasions. Today I got an attractive jumper.
9 pm Sunday, April 17, 1932
Thank God we are well. I got two pairs of stockings, a pair of pants and a pair of gloves. We were at the doctor’s yesterday because Dad found me to be too thin. Thank God the doctor said I was totally healthy. So, we went to the Hauer cake shop and stuffed ourselves. This afternoon we went to the theatre and on the way home we ran into Gyuri ?. This boy has become so handsome… I think he may like me a bit. He was awfully nice. I don’t know but I think it may be God’s hand that we have now met six times. I can picture this boy as a husband, I could love him a lot. He is so nice, mild, a darling. I’m not in love with him yet but he appeals to me. I’ve almost forgotten, he walked me all the way home, the dear.
4 pm Sunday, May 1, 1932
Thank God we are well. Father came home in the morning, drunk. It is the 9th instance, May 1, 1932. I was at the synagogue yesterday. A boy was introduced to me. Pali Krausz. Jancsi Rákos was also there and the two boys walked me home. It was fantastic. Today we went on an excursion in Buda with the Wilmanns. We were out all morning. It was great. My 14th birthday is a month from today. I’m so excited.
9.30 pm Wednesday, May 11, 1932
Father stayed out for the 10th time on Wednesday, May 4, 1932. Apart from that, thank God, we are well. I don’t have much time to write as I’m getting ready for my exams and I need to study a lot.
8 pm, Thursday, May 26, 1932
I am very sad today. One of the best loved girlfriends of my life, Manci Kocsis, died today. It hurt me very much, but I no longer cry because I’m afraid God will punish me and give me cause to cry. Otherwise, thank God, we are well. I look forward to my fast-approaching birthday with joy.
10 pm, Thursday, June 2, 1932
Father stayed out again on May 31. The 11th time. Yesterday was my birthday. I received: two bunches, two pots and two baskets of flowers, a pink two-piece suit, two caps, a hat, a pair of white suede shoes, three pairs of silk stockings, two pairs of socks, four gramophone records, two writing pads, a pencil, two boxes and one packet of chocolates, one dress. I will still get one pencil, another dress etc. etc. Thank God the day passed very happily. Vow, I’m already 14 years old! I think I have already fallen in love too. I don’t know what this is, by I love Gyuri Pauncz. It has never happened to me to like a boy for such a long time. He sits for matriculation tomorrow, I’m asking God to help him pass...This whole thing is so strange, but if Father found out! But maybe it’s not love just some small something… Everyone in the class has already been in love except me. Maybe this time I too…today was the last day of the school year. There are only tests this week and then the great vacation is here! I’m not sure yet where I’ll be next year, if I continue to study or not. I know nothing yet.
9pm Thursday, June 9, 1932
On Friday, June 3 we were at the Benedeks. Later the Mrs and Fatty? Came over to us and we had great time here, we danced. The last test was today. On Monday year ending ceremony and the distribution of report cards. There is no chance for us to go on holidays this year. At best I’ll go to Érd [village near Budapest] for a few days.
9 pm Saturday, June 11, 1932
Father stayed out yesterday (Friday, June 10, 1932) for the 12th time. I was at synagogue yesterday. I met a boy, István Sipos, 18 years old, has just matriculated, handsome, brown-haired, tall boy. He was very sweet. He said I was a cute little girl. At the moment he is the one who appeals to me. My confirmation will be tomorrow. He will be there …
9 pm Monday, June 13, 1932
My confirmation [a Jewish ritual, based on German Lutheran customs as many early Reform customs were. Just as boys had a bar mitzvah, girls were confirmed in their faith at age 14.] was yesterday. Pista Sipos was there too. He said he’d wait for me at the end but unfortunately, we missed each other. I’m so worried that he is be offended. Maybe he thought I deliberately abandoned him. Pali Krausz was at year ending ceremony and I chatted with him all morning. In the afternoon I went to the Fedett swimming pool and he was there too. [literally: “covered” swimming pool – a very well-known and popular swimming pool on Budapest’s Margaret island with Olympic sized pools]. The first visit to a pool! We spent the whole afternoon together. He was courting me and asked for a date…Well, I’m glad to have success but somehow, I always want the ones who are not into me. He courted me more than Pauncz or Sipos, but for me it’s rather those two…
My report card: embroidery, physical education – 3, drawing, singing, arithmetic, health studies, physics 2, Hungarian history, housekeeping, religious studies 1, classroom behaviour 1.
Midday, Sunday, June 19, 1932
In the evening of the 15th I got my period after three months. Blood is pouring out of me like crazy. My piano exam was yesterday. I was mainly concerned that all that blood will show through my new dress. Otherwise, thank God, the exam was reasonably successful. Pali Krausz was also there, and he walked me home. Mother says I was cute. In general, thank God, I’m beginning to take shape. I’m no longer ugly…Today I’m out if spirits. I dreamt about Gyuri Pauncz... I think by now he must have left for P?? He doesn’t write or phone, I’m convinced he has forgotten me and is courting someone else…It hurts me so badly I could cry! I think I’ll leave for a month in Érd on the first. Gyuri, Mrs Gyӧrgy Pauncz, my dear Gyuri
3 pm, Tuesday, June 21, 1932
I was going to go to Érd on Monday, but my period was so heavy that I couldn’t. God willing, if my period is over on Thursday the people from Érd will come to take me to the Royal [could be a movie theatre] and then drive out to Érd with me. I may stay there for a month or three or two weeks. I won’t take my diary there with me, I’ll write when I get home.
5 pm, Monday, August 1, 1932
I got home from Érd last night, July 31, at 9 pm. I was there for five weeks. Thank God I had a really good time. I first stayed with the Szabós for two weeks and then with the Vargas for three weeks. Uncle Varga’s younger brother, Lajcsi Varga, is 23 years old, a volunteer cadet in a foot regiment, brown-haired, handsome and he was courting me enthusiastically. He said that he fell in love with me and he would marry me. I got my first real kiss from him…The whole thing was very nice. Nevertheless, I don’t trust his vow. He vowed that he would be faithful to me. When I left he was distraught. We went to the theatre once. When people were applauding at the end he jumped up and ran out. I asked him why. He said he couldn’t conceive what would happen when I got home, and I broke up with him. We went together everywhere. I’m curious how this thing will continue. I had another serious swain. Laci Pintér, a tall, handsome volunteer. He, as well as Lajcsi serenaded me. He courted me devotedly too. He said that I was a cute little girl. He kept asking me for a date. Others who courted me were: Ede Ágotai, Laci Tóth, Zsiga ?, the two Jovicza boys, Lehel Vajdaffy, Imre Propper, Emil Máter, the Pál boy, Imre Ágotai, Laci Szilde, Bobby Gyὃzὃ, Zoli and Miklós Novák and another 16 boys whose names I’m too lazy to write down. With one word, I had great successes. This Lajcsi business is somehow very strange… In any case I had a great time. I got up at five in the morning, then tennis until 10, then the swimming pool, lunch, then casino [most likely afternoon tea] walks, dancing, dinner then dancing…It was fantastic. Now I may travel to Füred [resort on the shore of Lake Balaton]. I got a fabulous new bathing costume. It’s navy. When I’m in the mood I’ll write a lot of other things about Lajcsi.
7:30 pm, Wednesday, August 21, 1935
I turned 17 on the 1st of June. I completed the 7th grade of secondary school – the Dr Bajusz Lyceum. It’s almost certain that I will enrol in 8th grade, and then there will be the Matriculation!!! And that will be really hard as I’m not doing too well with algebra. So far there is no money for the enrolment. Meanwhile we moved from Sajó street to unit 2a, 3rd floor, 51 Rákóczi street on February 1, 1934. It is a very nice three-room unit, in the third room a couch, armchairs, it’s beautiful!!! The financial situation is worse than ever before. Father works at the Hungarian – French Insurance company but the job is very insecure. In the past school years Stella László was my friend, now my friends are Anikó Rákosi, Manci Somogyi, ? Gizi Szántó. In these years there were a lot of boys around me…
I am very susceptible. I get attracted to a boy fast and by morning I get over the great love. I have one serious beau, I’ve known him for four years, he has been courting me for 18 months, he is a very nice boy and I think he loves me, as his letters demonstrate. Initially he didn’t pay me too much attention, but later… On the other hand, the whole thing is hopeless due to the bad financial circumstances so it is very likely that we will break up in the near future. Be that as it may, he is the first serious “affair” of my life, and I will always remember him. Meanwhile a lot of other boys come to visit as Father by now is allowing me to meet with boys. In the winter I attended public places to dance and to party. Let me list the suitors I remember from the last three years as they come to mind. [a page and a half of names are listed] and Marcell Tauber, Ӧcsi, the above mentioned first love. At the moment Dr Pál Deák also appeals to me a lot, I’ve been hanging out with him for a week. At the moment I’m in bed, I have a stomach upset. Ӧcsi is in the army in the country, I expect him to be demobbed on September 20.
Throughout summer I’ve been going to the Danubius – Olympia and Széchenyi swimming pools. Pista Deutsch, Pali Freund, Miklós Nussbaum, Gyuri László, Lajos Tóth. Meanwhile I also had an English miss [It was customary to employ a German, French or English lady for the children of the house to learn the language. These, usually young, women often stayed with the family.] Miss Soldy, she stayed with us for about two years. I liked her a lot. She was a pretty 22-year old American girl. She left us and she leaves to go home to America today, on the 7th of September. I will miss her. Deák got offended, it’s over…
3:30 pm, Thursday, October 17, 1935
Ӧcsi broke up with me. It seems he wants to be with me a for a few times still but then it will be over. I don’t know why, maybe he got bored with me, maybe he’s had enough, maybe he’s angry or maybe I don’t appeal to him anymore. I don’t know, I only know that it hurts, my heart is broken, and I am very sad. Maybe he loves me, and he wants to stretch it out.
[In English}. I think I’m in a great big love with him!!
I now attend 8th grade. Matriculation! Brrr!!!
5 pm, Saturday, December 7, 1935
A big, big thing happened to me. I got admitted to the Bródy hospital on November 1. I was operated on on November 2 with acute appendicitis. It was a very serious operation, I almost died. I was in the hospital from November 1 to December 3. I came home on December 3. There is a still an open wound on my stomach and pus drains from it. God knows how long bandaging will last. Apparently, it can last up to one year. Good God! And what about my matriculation?...I haven’t got a clue….I can’t study as yet… Ӧcsi is sweet. He visited me in hospital every day, we made up, he apologised and said that he loved me. He doesn’t really want to get married to me and this hurts me. If a boy loves a girl why doesn’t he want to marry him, isn’t that right? He keeps telling me that he loves me but because of our poverty we can never be together as a couple. Is this real love? If someone loves another, they can’t just give them up so easily. Otherwise he behaves well, he is nice, tender, attentive, but I can’t believe him. I just wish I were healthy again. I couldn’t go anywhere on Mikulás around St Nicholas day. Ӧcsi was here for a while then he left. Jeez, what’s going to happen on New Year’s Eve? When can I put on my new (two) dresses? Please God, help me!
In different handwriting
December 15, 1935
My dear little heart!
I am terribly excited about what would have been written until now, but please remember one thing: I truly love you with my whole heart!!
Your Ӧcsi
Remember this and then read again what you have written. This should be in front of your eyes when you get to the first love because these are not recent feelings for me. I’ve always loved you very much and despite my dissolute past you are my First!
I love you
December 25, 1935
We took a walk for the first time on the Kӧrut (major road in Budapest) with my little Darling. It was great and when my Sweetheart said that it would be good to get a photo together; we immediately found an opportunity for it. The pictures turned out quite well but that was not what was important. The important thing is the finger of God!!!! I take the whole business as a sign that all our wishes will come true. I can’t have greater joy than fulfilling your wishes!
I trust the future.
Your Ӧcsi
9:30 pm Friday, February 14, 1936
We are sitting at home, my sweet Ӧcsi is here with me. He is very sweet, tender (Oh God, I hope I won’t jinx it!) I trust in God that my sweet Ӧcsi will always be like this and I will be very happy with him…
Oh, if only I were not tormented by doubts!
Sincerely
??? [This entry ends like a letter and it is likely that the signature is a nickname. It also looks as if the handwriting had been changed deliberately as well as words spelt differently, playfully, repeating certain letters in some words, as if in English you’d written “torrrture”.]
Budapest, February 14, 1936
[the following entry is playful, a spoof of a highly formal style combined with deliberately primitive spelling]
Highly esteemed Madam,
With reference to your great, even eternal, scribbling of today, I have the honour to inform you of the following:
If you are tortured by doubts, you don’t even know what the real situation is.
The situation is as follows:
So help me God – all my thoughts, feelings, every minute of my life, every beat of my heart is Yours.
And you know this! Because it is impossible that you should not know this!
And if you know this and still have doubts you are deliberately hurting me!
Please don’t hurt me!
Rimaszombat [Hungarian town now in Slovakia], February 14, 1936
[ the previous entry and this one are on opposing pages, ostensibly entered on the same day – but the distance between the two places makes this impossible so some sort of game was being played between Klára and Ӧcsi]
To my dear, sweet, teeny weeny Puppy!
Now an adult between 24 and 100 addresses you:
I love you very much!
Please love me too!
I!
You!
Oh!
I am very sorry that we are writing about our feelings in such a merry format.
I’m afraid that if you read this on your own, you won’t appreciate how unacceptable it is to write about such serious sentiments in such a way.
By the time I will be your husband and you will be my sweet little wife, you will believe in me totally!!!
I love you!!
Your Ӧcsi
April 14, 1936
It’s exactly two months since I last wrote in your book. Since then, thank God, I’ve met with you every single day and I worship you more with every passing day. In all this time I had not a single thought other than you and how I could shorten the time to my marriage.
I love you more than you can ever imagine, please love me too a little.
9 pm, Wednesday, June 10, 1936
One of the most significant days of my life. My matriculation was today!!!
I got grade 2 [second best possible grade] thank God! I am speechless by happiness. No more algebra, the bane of my life, physics, and the hateful rotten fractions, good-bye! I’ll go to the doctor tomorrow to find out if I need a hernia operation.
My little darling,
On the most significant day of your life I look into the past for a few seconds.
The past for me begins on the day my writing appears in your book for the first time. What was before then is childish and I hope (and ask you) that you have forgiven me. What is since then: is the true picture of my life. You fill my heart and all my being in a way that it can be summarised in one word: I Love You!!! My every thought, action, and wish is connected to you and my life is centred on getting into the position that would allow me to fulfill my only wish – to marry you at last.
My sweet life,
Your matriculation today will be of great impact for our lives in the future. Total freedom, plenty of free time, new people, company etc. will change somewhat the beautiful harmony of our days to date. But this only applies to the surface. I believe (and I fully trust you) that it will not impact our love – in the sense that others would like, rather the opposite.
I wish you felt from the above that I have only one goal: to live for and with you, to make you happy! And I will achieve this because without you there is no life!
May God grant that you don’t change, that you love me and stay with me.
Budapest, June 10, 1936
Forever Yours,
Ӧcsi
2 pm Saturday, July 4, 1936
Thank God the doctor has not found a hernia. So, I can go to the swimming pool, but I’m not allowed to swim. I usually go to the Palatinus and the Széchenyi [two well-known swimming pools in Budapest]. Ӧcsi had two weeks leave. We were together the whole time, we went to the movies, it was very pleasant. Daddy wants to get rid of him. Horrible! One is constantly afraid that one would be torn away from that darling boy. My dear Ӧcsi! And he behaves very well nowadays, he’s very sweet. But I’m not seeing anyone else, only him. From time to time Dr Gyuri Halmos and Dr Jancsi Desák and their friends pay a visit. But I always go everywhere with Ӧcsi. He’s a really sweet darling person. Hopefully the telephone will be installed again at our place after a break of two and a half years.
I am 161 tall, 58.5 kg, brunette, I look quite good sometimes when I get dressed properly. Incidentally dark, puff-sleeved dresses suit me.
[lengthy list of all her dresses, the materials they are made of and their colour.]
7pm, October 16, 1936
Thank God health wise we are doing well, but really badly from a financial point of view. As it happens, I have already earned the first income of my life, about 60 pengὃs, but I have spent it already (navy blue silk dress, navy wool alteration, two pairs of shoes, a hat, gloves and a few other little things). Despite everything, thank God, Daddy bought me a ???? fur coat so I’m reasonably well equipped for winter. In any case I don’t much go to great places because Ӧcsi needs to study all the time. On September 10 the first great experience of my life happened when Ӧcsi asked Daddy for my hand. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean much because, being in a job of 150 pengὃs only, we can’t really think about getting hitched. But Daddy promised him a job if he learnt German language shorthand and good German within three months. Well, we’ll see if the good Lord has created me for him and how he will lead us in the future. I love him very much; I cling to him and I feel that it would hurt me very much if I had to give him up.
Goodness, I’ve put on so much weight, I am now at least 63 kilos. But I don’t want to do anything imprudent. Thank God my tummy is all right at the moment, I’ll find out if I have hernia and it needs to be operated on when I go to the doctor next. I’m waiting for Ӧcsi at the moment. So far, he has visited every evening (but maybe his parents who have just arrived will talk him out of it). maybe we’ll go somewhere.
4 pm, Saturday, April 24, 1937
Unfortunately, nothing has happened as far as Ӧcsi is concerned. Now there is a prospect of a good job, but it is not at all certain. I have pupils sometimes and sometimes I don’t. Thank God, I would be making quite a lot now, but I need to give Father almost all the money I earn. Even though I have so many debts and I would need so many things…I am anxious, I would like to know what my future will look like… Thank God I look quite good, I’ve lost weight, my hair is shoulder length and I had a perm, and I use a bit of make-up. I bought quite pretty things from the money I earned. Ӧcsi has just arrived and we are going to the movies.
11 am, Wednesday, May 25, 1937
Well, nothing came of Ӧcsi’s job. I truly don’t know what to do. Our finances have never been this awful!!! We love this apartment, it is a great, elegant, fabulous neighbourhood but we will still have to move out on August 1. We have not a cent to date for a down payment to secure a new apartment. Father’s job at the Hungarian – French was terminated. Although he already has another job thank God, but that doesn’t amount to much because he doesn’t bring in business and he will be soon terminated there too. I only have two pupils all up, the rest have all fallen away. Father wants me to take a job, but I said I only wanted to go to work in the autumn, I wanted to spend this summer mostly at the swimming pool. I don’t want to transgress but what will happen to us? Father wants to become an agent selling books!!! How will we get an apartment, how will we pay the rent, how will be buy food? On June 1 I will be 19 years old, thank God. Time truly flies and there is still nothing good with Ӧcsi. On the other hand, we quarrel a lot and if things drag out a lot longer it seems that we will not end up together. That’s how I waste my years and maybe I’ll never marry. I have a lot of debt: Szénássy and Hoffman = 70 p, corset = 9 p, Zimmerman (seamstress) = 15 p. I don’t even have a prospect for anything. I will have to have my fur coat mended before winter because it is badly damaged, and I don’t even have decent clothes for winter. But I don’t want to commit a sin [unclear what she means by committing a sin – most likely explanation is that she feels that complaining is a sin.] because for summer and spring I have quite a nice wardrobe. [ a list of all the clothes she owns]
10:30 pm Saturday, August 28, 1937
I got home last night from Balatonüred. I was there for two weeks. At first, I spent a day at Siófok. It was supposed to be only a weekend and I would come home the following day but then I managed to stay. I was with the Szántós with all the old acquaintances and boys. Nothing has changed and it was somewhat boring. Even so, this brief change of environment was welcome. There were barely any boys, one or two wanted to court me but I discouraged them. Ӧcsi meanwhile was in the army, he has just demobbed. I spent every day of the summer at a swimming pool, mostly the Széchenyi where there were a lot of acquaintances and friends, boys. At home it is not so good, Father is still out since yesterday. He regularly stays out for two-three days and also the doctor told him he was seriously ill. He doesn’t want to admit to us his illness and so one lives this lousy life in constant anxiety. Ӧcsi’s salary is low, there is not prospect for a better job, so Father doesn’t want to allow me to marry him. In addition, Father is also pretty much without a job, he doesn’t earn anything, and winter is coming, and I’ve got lots of debts and pessimism. I ask for God’s help, not to abandon us!
October 22, 1937
There is no particular news. There is no money, but I still get new dresses, hats made so my debt continues to grow. What can I do, I like to be well dressed? I’m not beautiful enough to allow myself the option of not being well dressed. My mind is constantly on dresses, shoes and hats because I am vain, and I know full well that I only look acceptable if am prettily attired. Daddy is not doing well, I’m afraid that his current job is also only temporary. Meanwhile he drinks all the time, I’m constantly anxious and worried. We face the threat of auction and eviction on the 1st. I really don’t know how it will be! I’ve just had a flu; it infected my ears and my hearing has been impacted. Please God help, at least give us health!! My situation with Ӧcsi is totally hopeless, there is no prospect of a better job and so I believe that there will be never be a wedding. Dear God help me, give me some help and don’t abandon me!!
11 am, Sunday, October 31, 1937
Thank God we are healthy, financial affairs are extremely insecure.
My debts [list of clothes, hats etc and how much is owed to whom, and presumably how much had been repaid, still leaving a sum not very large but significant in uncertain times].
3 pm Sunday, February 6, 1938
Healthwise, thank God, we are well. Total insecurity financially. I currently have 15 pupils and I earn quite a lot, but it is not a secure income. I’ve just had a month when I earned 150 Pengὃs [a significant salary] but I immediately spent it on clothes so I don’t have a cent. There is no prospect for a job, I mean a better job, for Ӧcsi but he still earns 170 p a month, thank God. I don’t know what will happen, please help us God! We go out a lot, movies, afternoon tea, restaurants. I love clothes and I’m working on always being well dressed.
9:30 pm Friday, June 3, 1938
I turned 20 on the 1st. Even this diary is getting fairly old. Unfortunately, time goes by relentlessly. I once thought that I would be married by the time I turned 20 but there is little hope of that now. Apparently, there is going to be some rotten Jewish legislation and they ill sack all Jewish public servants so now I’m anxious about Ӧcsi’s job; Father has not had a job for a year now. We would like to join Ӧcsi’s relatives in South America, in Rio de Janeiro, but this only a painful dream… Dear God, help me, don’t abandon me!
Midnight, Tuesday, July 26, 1938
I got home from Balatonfüred yesterday. Like last year, I spent 12 days there. It cost me a lot of money, but the change of environment was worth it. Thank God it was very pleasant. I got a nice tan and did a lot of bathing in the heavenly Balaton. In Pest I go to the Palatinus swimming pool, I no longer go to the Szèchenyi.
9 am, Monday, October 3, 1938
The financial conditions are awful. There are also huge concerns around the war and I’m constantly anxious that something will happen and Ӧcsi will be taken away. It seemed that there was going to be a world war but now Hitler, Mussolini, Chamberlain and Daladier have agreed and now they say that we only want to regain Upper Hungary [territories in north eastern Hungary given to Czechoslovakia at the Treaty of Versailles after the first world war. Today these counties are in Slovakia.] and I’m afraid that there will be fighting... The marriage is still unstable because Father doesn’t want to reach an agreement with Ӧcsi and in addition Ӧcsi’s job is not secure in view of the Jewish law. I hardly have pupils, though last year I had a lot. [in English sic] In the meanwhile I forget all my English knowledge because I myself don’t learn from anybody. I have a lot of debts and I bought a new cat-fur coat that is a fur coat on the outside and a beautiful tweed coat on the inside. I got a beautiful light-weight coat, and a few dresses, two old mink [coats], in other words a few nice things. But now I have big worries, if there are no pupils, how will I pay for all this junk? Well, God will help me, if only this marriage were to happen, all my acquaintances who had spent seeing a boy this long are already married…Right now I am nervous and dejected, and anxious as I await what the future brings.
4:30 pm Tuesday, November 22, 1938
I wouldn’t like to commit a sin, but I am very depressed. One needs to be constantly concerned about Ӧcsi’s job - Jewish law – and Father doesn’t have a job, I’m full of anxiety and unease. Of course, one can hardly talk about marriage at the moment. Thank God I have enough pupils, I earn a fair amount, but I spend everything on these rotten clothes, and I don’t have single saved cent for the future. In addition, I’m constantly cheated so I waste all the saved money. My dear mother has taken the pen out of my hand and scribbled here. I don’t feel like writing more, off I go to teach in Párisi street.
I adore you very very much, I love you my little Angel. Your Mummy, November 22, 1938
My dear old piano had been auctioned off on September 9. Terrible!
8 pm Friday, February 10, 1939
Our wedding with Ӧcsi was at 1 pm on Thursday, January 12, and our Jewish wedding was on Sunday, January 15 at the Bethlen street synagogue, in “civilian” clothes. After the wedding both of us got admitted to ???? hospital for hernia operations, thank God we are better now but I’m still a “maiden”. God willing, I will become a woman in the real sense in a week or two. We are living at home. Thank God, Ӧcsi still has his job and we live on that and giving English lessons. Thank God for that!!
2:45 pm Thursday, April 4, 1939
I became a woman on Saturday night, February 11. Thank God I live happily with Ӧcsi, my husband! I’m only afraid that he will be sent away. There are again a lot of worries about the war and I’m terrified that poor Ӧcsi will be taken away! I have earned a lot, about 300 Pengὃs, but I spent it all on clothes and in my wisdom I haven’t saved anything…The planned excursion to Rio de Janeiro didn’t happen, and now, trusting in God, we are awaiting a fortunate continuation of our lives. All day I teach English, on Saturdays and Sundays movies, dancing, theatres. I adore going out. I am grateful to Almighty God that he has given me such a life and I beseech him to improve my fortune but never to make it worse. Amen.
5 pm Monday, July 11, 1939
I arrived home with Ӧcsi yesterday, Sunday, morning at 11 from Abbazia [Opatija, Croatia] and the Lido in Vencie where we had spent, with gratitude to God, two amazing weeks. Heavenly sea, sunshine, dancing every day, bars and a few foreign male acquaintances, photos, riding in a gondola in Venice, bathing on the Lido, amazingly beautiful memories!! May God’s name be blessed for this!!!. I have hardly any pupils and no income now, I’m afraid that Ӧcsi will lose his job. My dear God, winter is coming, we are full or worries and fears about a war, the Hungarians want Transylvania back, I’m anxious for my dear Ӧcsi, we are afraid of Hitler, of the power of the anti-Jewish era, in one word, dark times – still I believe in the power of a compassionate and merciful God!...
I am 60 kilos; I have a lot of nice clothes and I ask God that I never be less happy. Amen.
Midnight, Tuesday, December 26, 1939
Dear Ӧcsi is asleep. I sit in our first small sweet rented apartment, us alone, without parents; it has one room, entrance hall, WC, shower nook. (1st Floor 2, 3 Mὑzeum kӧrut [boulevard in a good part of Budapest, near the national Museum]. Before now in the summer we had to move out of my parents’ place, first into lodgings, (57 Hársfa street), then a hotel (Continental) and finally we have found a happy home in this sweet little paradise. My poor parents live in a lodging because Father has no job and that is the most his finances will allow. It hurts me a lot…Our apartment is a sweet little nest, I clean it, with the greatest of joy. Unfortunately, the financial situation is bleak, this year I have hardly any pupils, and our outgoings for the apartment are high and by now I don’t spend so much unnecessarily on clothes as I did last year. Ӧcsi is sweet, thank God we live happily. I have changed very much indeed. I’ve learned, that now that our first wedding anniversary is close on January 12, what a good husband means, from a moral and financial point view, what a great spiritual prop he is. All I can do is entreat the Almighty not to disturb our happiness and continue to protect us!!! There is a war on since September 4. England [Britain] and France fight with Germany and at the same time Soviet Russia fights Finland. For the time being, thank God, we are neutral, and I pray and beg that nothing bad happen to us. We are young at a time like this, when either Jewish laws or dread of war fills our hearts and trouble our nerves. I trust in you, God!!
6 pm Saturday, November 9, 1940
We spent two weeks in Siófok in the summer. Life, thank god, has been pleasant. Father supported us financially. We bought a radio, we had a good time, we lived well. Three months ago, both Father and Ӧcsi have been taken to a work camp [forced labour]. Father is already home, Ӧcsi isn’t. For the last three months I have been living on my own in our small apartment. I go out every now and then but by now I miss the dear, darling Ӧcsi very much!! Please God, help!! The war is still going on, stronger than last year. France was defeated by the Germans, now Germans and Italians fight against England and Greece. Jewish laws, persecution of Jews, I don’t know what will happen with Ӧcsi’s job.
8 am Saturday, February 8, 1941
Ӧcsi came home on December 22 after being away for five months. (working camp in connection with the Jewish law [in English]). Since then, thank God, I live happily with the angel. He is a dear, good, sweet boy. May God bless him! Now we are awaiting what the spring will bring with trepidation. Please God help! I teach, I have enough pupils now.
Father bought me a pianino in the autumn, I play it with gusto.
5:30 pm, Thursday, May 7, 1942
We spent two weeks in Siófok in the summer, it was great! I’m not sure if we can go this year? Ӧcsi was operated on for appendicitis, thank God he is well by now. We would live quietly, happily, even with the financial worries if we were not constantly dreading that he could be called up. The war is still going on, and I’m constantly afraid that there will be bombings here too made possible by the breathtaking development of aircraft technology. Cities are wiped off the face of the Earth, casting thousands of civilians into mourning.
Russians against Germans, Americans against Japan [in English]. Historic times, I wouldn’t have thought that I would live to see such things. The Jewish [English] are persecuted, tortured greatly throughout Europe. As a consequence of Hitler’s ideas, thank God, here in Hungary our situation is relatively good, but the dread is constant, the risk of joblessness, internment is always there. In such circumstances, unfortunately, I can’t even consider having a child though I very much envy similar aged women who have cute kids. Even though, God willing, on the 1st I will be 24 years old. Father and Mother are well, thank God. Father supports Mother financially, though it is difficult. We would also live well if we didn’t have to dread the future all the time. I still dress quite well and what I’d really like, I buy. Meanwhile I have acquired a great passion – cards! I play every night in a coffee house (Balaton, Rákóczi street), blighting Ӧcsi’s life with it because the constant going somewhere is a large obstacle to quiet family life. But I don’t have the patience to chat / to have a discussion because it absolutely impossible to plan ahead even for five minutes, being Jewish, living in a war when unbelievable events occur every minute. I pray that Ӧcsi not be called up, because ??? are all in already. What else can I do, I pray, I plead with God to forgive this colossal amount of horror, to have mercy on us!
Ӧcsi is very sweet and good, I love him more than ever. From time to time we quarrel because of jealousy, but he is right because I have remained the old flirty Klári, and I like to flirt. I wish I could write about a happier, more peaceful life soon!
We have been married for three years, I got from Ӧcsi a gold watch with a chain.
My figure is still good, thank God. I am 59.5 kilos, with shoulder length brown hair, ??? people say my legs are nice, and I potter around all day-long, I teach English from time to time then I play cards.
November 6, 1942
My dear beloved Ӧcsi has been in forced labour since May 25. Initially he was in Vác [town 30 km north of Budapest] and now he is somewhere in the Ukraine or Russia. Thank God so far he has written five lines every ten days, he is not a soldier, he is a forced labourer and that means he is not directly at the front and he doesn’t work in a military uniform. Still, unfortunately the danger is still great and as far as his absence is concerned it’s better if I don’t write about it because there are no words to describe how I miss my beloved treasure. After he left, I went to Siófok and spent five weeks at the villa of my friend Edit, Mrs Kállai. I spent a very pleasant summer, except I put on a lot of weight, I am 63 kilos. Unfortunately, I now live on my own, though not quite. The Russians have attacked us from the air and since then there is blackout so Ilonka – my cousin – lives with me. All day I either teach English or play cards, at 11 pm it’s closing time. Then we come home, and I pray for my dear angel!!! Dear God bring home that darling so we can live together is health.
12:30 am, January 24, 1943
It will be eight months since I’ve been separated from my beloved only treasure! I’m about to step into the ninth month far away from what means life to me!! I miss with unfathomable pain this sunny treasure, created by God in a good mood, my darling little husband, my sweet Ӧcsi. I never would have believed that one can suffer so much, so I don’t have a peaceful moment, all I do is worry about him; dear God, will I see him again?! And unharmed?! And when?! When?! When?! The war has become horribly far-reaching, we are in constant danger of air attacks and I’m constantly dreading that – I should not live that long! – something happens to him. after all, unfortunately many, among them acquaintances died out there. Thank God for the time being he has been writing fairly regularly, and he received the warm clothes, I’m about to send him more warm things. There is no prospect of coming home, but by now I would happily agree to a distant date as long as he comes home healthy, otherwise my life is at an end!! I’ve now learnt what a good husband means, after all I’m a reasonably pretty woman, there could be many boyfriends, even rich ones, I wouldn’t have any concerns, but I have never cheated on this angel because I’m afraid the sky would fall on me if I did something like that to such a sweet man. By now I’m missing him very much as a man as well, I wonder if he will ever show his gratitude for such self-denial? All my swains have left me because I’m not prepared [to put out], I am alone, without a single man but I want to be unafraid as I look in the eye this good, dear boy, the best the world has ever seen, he should have the decent good wife he deserves. Unfortunately, I have financial worries, because my Ӧcsi was again made redundant by Reich Adolf and Sons, after 12 years, when he was called up due to the Jewish law. I live off the $2,500 p redundancy payment and I only have a little money left because life is very expensive! I need 400 p in a month, modestly. I took a job in a factory, but it was hard, so I left. Now I’m trying to become a governess. Without the living-in. I only earn a few cents with teaching, my head buzzes, I can’t sleep at night, I’ll run out of money in another month or two, and then the pianino will have to be sold, that’s only thing of value I own and I wouldn’t like to lose it!! God, what will happen? What will I live on? I wish I had a good job so I could earn!! Dear God help, grant that this angel come home in good health and that we live together with kids…Dear God, don’t punish me, have mercy on me, return my beloved husband, give us sustenance, don’t abandon us, let it be so! Amen.
At home, 6 pm, July 21, 1943
I said goodbye to my dear, beloved Ӧcsi a year ago today, as he left for the Ukraine a year ago. For 14 months now my dear has been away from me, he who means everything to me, happiness, love, tenderness, goodness, joy. 14 months!! And who knows how much more is there?! All I can do is plead with God for him to allow us to get together in good health and live together in happiness with children as this is my strongest desire as I have just turned 25 and I have been married for four and a half years (it was four years on January 12). My dear Ӧcsi ??? keep him turned 31 on January 19 and we are due for a little child-happiness! I can’t even write down how I feel, what does it mean to live without a husband, especially a husband like this!!! Life is empty, one long wait and hope; when will he come? And how? My dear God, you won’t hurt me, you will bring home hale my dear beloved husband. I don’t even go to the coffee house anymore because I lost a lot on the cards. I don’t go to swimming pools either, I don’t feel like it, I only go to the women’s section of the Duna swimming pool every now and then. Incidentally, the weather has been pretty awful so far, constant rain and wind. I don’t remember another summer like this. I don’t teach now because Ӧcsi’s firm – despite the fact that he was made redundant when he was called up for forced labour – provides me with a small amount every month that modestly pays for my expenses although prices go up steeply everywhere. Hairdresser 6 p, stockings 40 p, hat 80 p, dresses 4-5-600p, shoes 100-150p. Lunch 4 p, dinner 6 p, amazing!!! I usually wake up late, then lunch, swimming pool, movies, walks (with Mother). Most days I have a nap, read, play the piano. Ilonka, my cousin (his husband has disappeared or has been captured in Russia) lives with me, we cook dinner at home then we go to the pub with a few other women or go for a walk. My friend Edit Kállai has invited me for a holiday in Siófok, just like last year. I don’t think that I’ll go. I don’t know yet. There are widespread call-ups, all Jewish men, up to the age of 43 have been taken. Either at home or the Ukraine or Serbia. So, there are no men anywhere around us. But even if there were, no one interests me other than my darling beloved, as none of them offer love, they only want a sexual relationship and with my current state of mind I have no interest in that. It’s funny that I haven’t managed to keep anyone as a friend, no one really loves me, only that sweet, dear, beautiful man who wrote on July 13. Thank God. Now I wait, hope, pray and am putting on weight. [ in English, spelling hers] My legs and brest are nice, people are crazy about them.
61.5 kilos, few dresses because there is nothing to buy and I don’t have the money either; not elegant but not dowdy either, handsome enough, Klárika is not beautiful but a pretty enough girl…
1:30 am December 21, 1943
I’m sad but optimistic! My beloved happiness has been in Russia for 19 months, but the news now is that with God’s help I might get back this dear sweet treasure soon. I wish it were true!! I have so often been disappointed in such news, but now I’m starting to seriously hope that there is some basis for such rumours. Meanwhile, I attended a cooking school, I learnt to cook and clean a bit so that I will be able to bring some joy to my darling! I spent two weeks at Edit’s in Siófok in the summer. It was quite pleasant. Now I’m learning to clean, sometimes I try to cook, I don’t go anywhere except to the movies. Ilonka still lives with me. We usually have dinner at the Beer restaurant together with Father. There is a nice group there, so it is very pleasant, and that’s all we do for entertainment. I’ve got a lot savvier about men and it is only now that I realise what a great treasure I have been blessed with. There is definitely not another like him, my sweet dear Ӧcsi!! I haven’t cheated on him, and I won’t, however long I have to wait for him, God forbid! Though there would have been a few decent, serious men around me, but I wasn’t born for such things. I am an honest person and I want to look bravely in the eye the one I adore best in the whole world! Dear God, will he believe how much I love him, adore him, how, with self-restraint I have thrown away everything for him and have lived only for him with my every thought, my every sigh?!! Dear God, do bring back this dear good boy already, so we can live happily together, I beseech you! Currently there is a serious air-raid threat, the whole country is in blackout, all the countries of the Balkan have been heavily bombed by the English – Americans. The war rages, such an air raid is awful, people flee to bomb shelters and cellars, but it’s all in vain there is no escape from a direct hit! Dear God protect us from suffering! I am dreadfully afraid of being wounded, being homeless, of suffering! Dear God have mercy! Ӧcsi, my dear sweet Ӧcsi, I’m so looking forward to seeing you, you are coming by now, aren’t you and you will love me like before, you haven’t changed, have you? Unfortunately, I put on a lot of weight, I’m around 67 kilos. I’m so afraid that I will not appeal to him, God forbid! I’ve never been so fat before, but I’d be glad if I could stop here and not put on more weight… I am vain unfortunately… I’m going to sleep now and my last thought before falling asleep is you, my dear Ӧcsi! Should the good God not allow me to wait for you at home in good health, when you read these lines, be certain that no one else has ever interested me, I haven’t loved anyone but you, I’ve never been false to you, I’ve always waited for you to come back with a faithful great love, my only eternal love, my adored husband, my sweet Ӧcsi…
My poor father-in-law died a few months ago, Ӧcsi doesn’t even know…
Midday, March 2, 1944
I’m 65 kilos, I wish I’d lose more!
The good God listened to my fervent prayers and he brought home my sweet Ӧcsi on February 24, after 21 months of miserable separation. He already crossed the Hungarian border on January 29, and he spent three weeks in Mohács [town on southern Hungary] to be disinfected, I even visited him there. He came home on February 24. As a result of God’s great mercy, he will go to Vác tomorrow to be discharged, God willing. It is impossible to describe with words or write about my feelings as I rushed and caught a glimpse of him for a few minutes after such a long time when they were in transit at the Ferencváros railway station…Now a new life starts, as if I were getting married now. Financial worries will start, everything is terribly dear, I think Ӧcsi will be re-employed at Reich’s, at the factory as a worker, but we don’t yet know how much they will pay. I don’t know what we will live on. Until now Father supported me splendidly, but he can’t anymore, he is out of work again. For the time being nothing is import except that my dear angel, Ӧcsi is here again…Ӧcsi is the angel of old, he loves me, he is good and sweet, thank God, he hasn’t changed at all. Although most other boys who had been to the front have grown old, and have changed, but thank God he is the same sweet kid as before even though he suffered a lot, poor thing…Compared to others he fared relatively well, many died in Russia and the Ukraine, among them my poor cousin, Pista Sebestyén, and Jenὃ Sugár, Ilonka’s husband disappeared. I have a lot more to write about Ӧcsi, but I’m now in a state of waiting as far as his masculine prowess in concerned, because unfortunately things are very disturbing around here… It’s possible I’ll be different now, should I keep the baby? I’d like a child very much but I’m absolutely not mature enough, I’m flippant, I can’t find myself, I’m moral or immoral; for immoral I’m moral… I hate work, I despise flippant life. I’m still immature, even I don’t know what I want…
8 pm, May 17. 1944, in my apartment on Mὑzeum Boulvard, lying in bed with my beloved Ӧcsi next to me
When this angel came home, he was re-employed in the factory for 110 p a week, and with supplements he earns about 600 p a month. We lived fabulously for a few weeks, we bought a radio, we went out a lot, a lot of nice guys came to visit us, and we danced through several nights and had fun. But suddenly on March 19 the Germans came in [invaded Hungary]. There are no words for this, no explanation is needed about what this means for the Jews…Since April 5 we have been wearing a large, 100 mm yellow star, they took away the radio, we needed to hand in any gold (my beautiful little gold watch that I got from Ӧcsi for our third wedding anniversary); we live with the greatest anxiety, there are ghettos all around the country and we are wondering when it will happen in Pest too…Even the thought is dreadful!!! Every step is a horrible anxiety because Jews are constantly collected on the streets and interned on the basis of made-up charges. Poor Ilonka was taken by two German soldiers, now she writes from a prison, where she has been for two months, poor unfortunate victim, we don’t know what she is charged with…I’m terrified for Ӧcsi, he might be called up again, he might lose his job, they don’t want to give permits to Jewish workers…Women are taken for forced labour, who knows where I will end up?! I’ll get myself examined to find out if I’m pregnant already; if yes, I’ll leave it, let there be a child even in these terrible times…I’m going to see the doctor next week, I’m curious.. And what is most dreadful that the English – Americans are bombing Hungary; we have already survived several air raids in the cellar. One doesn’t know, if one survives the air-raid in the first place, that there still is a house there when one emerges. We are constantly afraid of the attacks, especially since we have seen a few “bombed out” places, it is unbelievable what damage they can wreak…I wouldn’t be sorry if I went to sleep and never woke up again. Dear God, I wish to be able to write about happy and good things soon. I must be about 67 kilos already, that’s not a problem for the time being.
[In Ӧcsi’s writing}:
May 20, 1944
After barely six months at home, tomorrow morning
10 pm, Saturday, May 20, 1944
I interrupted so this dear, beloved treasure could not finish. He joins up again tomorrow morning… I am unable to write any more about that, this may be after last night together for perhaps a very long time, when this dear angle snuggles up to me. I feel that sweet, smart head of his on my shoulder, that sweet pudgy hand on his on my arm, my God what an unmeasurable pain that I will be left on my own again!! And in what circumstances!! Awaiting the ghetto…
9 pm, Sunday, May 21
I’ve had an awful day, Ӧcsi left in the morning, my eyes are swollen from sobbing, I don’t know what to do with myself…God, please bring him back, grant that we meet in good health and be happy together…I can’t control myself, I’m going mad…
10:30 pm, July 14, 1944
There is an unbelievably awful persecution of Jews…In the country they are either in Mediaeval ghettos or they have been transported in closed wagons, there is no return…Since Ӧcsi has left – I don’t even know where and how he is – the situation here in the capital has been worsening day by day. It’s’ virtually dangerous to walk on the streets, people are picked up and interned. I think we will also be taken away in wagons and then we will be made to work then we will be executed. The decree about the ghetto in Pest will come out tomorrow. I will have to leave the apartment and I don’t know where I will end up. I would like to move in with Mother, but I don’t know to where and there’s no vehicle either. Most likely I will leave all my things here… After all, that is their goal in any case…Father is going to be called up now, because people up to 60 are called up for forced labour. I was also called up, every Jewish woman is called up for forced labour, but for the time being absolved, because Mother can’t see, and I am looking after her. And women too march with backpacks, in boots. I keep thinking about plans to commit suicide. I know that my beloved Ӧcsi loves me, Father too, very much, but men can endure pain…It’s only poor dear Mother I can’t do it to. Dear God, don’t punish me for having little faith, for being a pessimist, what can I do? I stand here, I have to leave my much loved little independent nest, my husband is far away, who knows if I will even see him again, it’s possible that I will be taken away in the clothes I stand in, leaving behind all my things and Ӧcsi’s expensive clothes, I will be tortured and the release of death will only come after. Would it not be easier to pre-empt all the suffering and deal with the problems by myself? Meanwhile the English Americans keep bombing, there was a big air raid today too against Budapest and the country, thank God, so far we are all right, but our lives are in constant jeopardy, bombs can fall day or night and it can bring terrible destruction… God I plead that you give us strength and health to endure the ordeals and have the family together again in happiness but if that cannot be, grant me a quick and easy death so that I don’t suffer.,, Please God, help, have mercy!
4 pm November 1, 1944
I left my apartment on June 21 and since then I’ve been staying in the apartment of my girlfriend (Mrs??? Sándor Kovács Kállai) 1st floor 3, 51 Kazinczy street together with Mother and Father. It seems that what we have gone through so far is just the beginning…though we have suffered a lot already, constant dread that we would be taken away and killed. So far, we have been allowed to leave the ghetto, where we have a separate room, between 11am and 5 pm. Now they are even stricter, and we can only leave between 10 and noon to do our shopping. Father was taken away to a forced labour camp by the Arrow Cross two weeks ago, since then he has been suffering cold and hunger…So far, my beloved Ӧcsi has been a forced labourer in Szentendre [small town just north of Budapest] who knows for how long, because, dear God, they are being taken away. Hopefully not to Germany. The Russians are already in the country, they are already in Kecskemet [town 90 kms south east of Budapest] and they have occupied all the towns. Now they are said to be coming to Pest and of course we Jews will be paying for that too. Meanwhile the Russians are bombing day and night, there are many houses in ruins, a lot of dead, how are we going to survive that? And now the most wonderful thing, I’m eight months pregnant, I expect the dear child for the end of December or early January. Who knows if I will live that long? There is no fuel, money, sustenance, what will happen to the child? What will happen to us? Please God help, show mercy, do not abandon me, let us find each other and live happily together…Dear God, have mercy on me because all this is like a horror story. The dear child even now is active in my tummy, I just hope I will have milk… God, help, forgive me, don’t abandon me…
September 12, 1945
“Trifles”: I gave birth to a little girl, Kati, on November 19. She lived for three weeks, she was born after eight months, she was weak, she died…Meanwhile the Jews were put into ghettos, the Arrow Cross executed thousands every day. Ӧcsi was deported to Germany to Mauthausen. Unimaginable suffering, torture at the hands of the Arrow Cross, Jewish agony then the siege of Budapest, constant bombing and shelling, hunger, then suddenly on January 18 the Russians arrive!! The few still remaining Jewish lives were saved; 80 per cent of Jews from the country and Budapest were taken to Germany, most of them executed in gas chambers and then burned, many, many women and men in forced labour camps starved to death, were executed, horrible! The Russians arrived, now there are also Americans and British, but the main occupying element is Russian, there are a lot of them. They are interesting, good people! I’ve attempted a lot of things, finally I ended up serving bread at the Emke coffee house [an iconic restaurant / coffee house in Budapest]. Meanwhile God’s grace brought my beloved Ӧcsi home, two [survived] from a hundred. He works in his old job but I continue to work at the Emke because everything is so very dear; a pair of shoes 10,000 p, a dress 25-30,000p, stockings 1,500-2,000 a pair, a kk of flour 300p, a duck 5,000p. I earn about 30,000 p a month, Ӧcsi about 10-12,000p. I bought myself a brown hamster fur coat and a white calf-skin coat, a beautiful two-piece suit, shoes, dresses, may God’s holy name be blessed because he helped me through this unmeasurable suffering. We now live with Mother in Kazinczy street, we did not get back the apartment on Mὑzeum boulevard. Thank God, Ilonka came home! God, eternal gratitude and homage to You, I plead that You continue to show mercy, and not abandon me, bring us a better time!! It is impossible to capture in writing what I suffered because of the child, Ӧcsi and my own dread. Father, thank God, came back from the Arrow Cross.
5 pm Saturday, August 3, 1946
I haven’t been serving bread for two months. I spend my days at the swimming pool, playing cards and going out, in other words I live my “old peaceful” life, may Gob be blessed. From the 1st there is no Pengὃ anymore, there is now the Forint that will hopefully bring about a normal economic life. So far, I have been taking it easy, I haven’t even had pupils, we’ll see what it will be like, will Ӧcsi’s pay be enough or will I have to work too? While I was working with bread, I met an English guy, a soldier, his name was Singer. He was here for six months, we were together all the time, we had a lot of fun, he will remain an unforgettable pleasant memory …the general wartime atmosphere begins to disappear, there is a peace conference in Paris – that we have lived to see this…May God be blessed…But Antisemitism is extremely strong in the countryside, there are a lot atrocities, pogroms, God please guard over us. I very much would like to have a baby and a peaceful life at last – unfortunately Ӧcsi [in English] as a man is not the type he ought to be, that’s the only trouble in our very happy life – otherwise he is sweet, an angel, dear and good and I will always adore him. [in English} It’s serious enough but what can I do? I can’t and I won’t cheat on him.
January 6, 1949
May God’s name be blessed I have a sweet, dear, beautiful little girl since June 1947, so she is 19 months old now. She’s an angel! A fairy-tale happiness, Jutka [nickname Judit, Jutka, Jutka! She is a mix of Ӧcsi and me. She is a brown haired, brown eyed, button nosed smart delight! She talks, she runs around! Ӧcsi has a new job, for a year now he has worked not for Reich, but he is a department head at the Textile Directory with 1,800 forints. That’s a rather decent salary. I teach English in nationalised hotels for an hour or two a day, for 600 forints a month. Thank God, we live quite well, I have a new white fur coat (last year’s) and many smart dresses. I play rummy a lot, have fun, may God’s name be blessed for all this.
5 pm Sunday, October 29, 1950
The last two year passed happily, peacefully, in affluence. Ӧcsi’s income was good, lots of fun, dresses. Lots of rummy. It was fabulous! My beloved treasure, my little Judit is already three years old, she chats, she talks, she’s sweet, she’s a beautiful little fairy. Ӧcsi is wonderful and sweet. We live, with my parents and Grandmother Zuckermann, in 51 Kazinczy street, in a beautiful apartment of three rooms, full of sunshine and warmth. But! The economic situation has worsened, Ӧcsi gets 1,700 forints in the Continental factory but Father has no job and I don’t teach – English is not worth much nowadays – so there’s not enough to live on; so tomorrow morning I’ll start as a worker in the Chinoin factory. I’ll see if I measure up ad how much I will earn?!? So, the comfortable, worry free life is over, I’ve never worked like that, getting up at 5 in the morning, being busy until 6 at night or even longer. No more hanging out, playing rummy. Well, we’ll see. The political situation around the world is very worrisome; the fight between Communism and Capitalism is pushing us towards a new war; here toward Russian style Socialism, the Balkan with us, the western powers together with America against us. My God, what does the future hold? I hope you won’t punish me with another war, now that I have a small child, I hope my husband is not going to be taken away again. I am terribly anxious, restless, unhappy, I’m afraid again, afraid, afraid! There was so little happiness and calm!
4 pm Friday, March 19, 1954
I haven’t been able to find the diary anywhere, finally today it turned up. After I was bored with being a worker, I took a job as a cashier in a bottle shop. I spent two and a half years at the Sportcsarnok [sports arena] and other places for a year. I made a lot of money, I bought a lot of dresses, we lived splendidly, comfortably, but I was totally fed up with regimented employment. So, my dear Ӧcsi got me out of being employed so for the last five months I haven’t worked, thank God! I enjoy my dear beautiful little girl, Juditka, in first grade now. Poor grandmother died on February 15, 1951 so now I cook, quite well. My only obligations are walking with Juditka to school, go for walks with her, practice piano with her (she has been learning for a year now), cook, then rummy and other fun activities. It’s not a bad life, I wish it continued like this for another 100 years. For four years now Ӧcsi has been the chief engineer [operations manager] at the Szalag and Csipke [ribbon and lace] factory in Lὃrincz [suburb of Budapest], he gets 2,000 forints and bonuses but his job is in danger again because the plan has not been met but I will only take a job if he is sacked, in other words, if it will be necessary for me to make some money because now, in my 36th year I have finally come to the conclusion that I hate every type of work with a passion and I only work willingly if there is no alternative. My appearance hasn’t changed a lot, I’m about 60 kilos, my figure is still quite good, my hair is dyed red, with a parting, it’s only that my face is more wrinkled than it was when I was 20 years old… but it’s not that bad. Ӧcsi is a dear, truly good husband who can be genuinely adored, may God bless him and also my dear little Juditka, smart, brown haired, bespectacled – cross eyed - (but only slightly!) snub nosed, black eyed darling. Mother and Father are well, thank God. Father works in a low-level public service job and Mother is at home with me! I’m asking God that nothing disturb our happiness and that we can live like this for a long time to come! The international situation is constantly dangerous. A war can come at any time, but we are hoping, trusting, praying for peace.
In different handwriting
19 Ben Eden Street, Bondi Junction
Thursday night, September 13
8 pm in bed – 1979
Dear Mummykin,
We are here. We don’t know why. I love you – just because!
I am moved having read your diary.
I am glad that you are!
I love you – I respect you – I trust in you – I understand you better than you can imagine.
Your 32-year old Jucika
October 29, 1986
You have suffered enough! I understand everything.
With undying gratitude and love,
Jutka
Кредитная линияSydney Jewish Museum Collection, Donated by Ms Judy Backhouse